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2009-06-06 13:54:02
33 votes, rating 4
33 votes, rating 4
Dear Timppis (Fantasy ed.)
You know, it is not just the coaches that come to me during their time of distress. Sometimes it's equally hard for that lonely wood elf wardancer or nurgle rotter to decide what to do with their careers. So this edition of Dear Timppis is dedicated to the questions of those fantastic and fluff-filled players on the pitch. Welcome and enjoy.
Q: Dear Timppis, I have a problem. I know that I am a rookie but still it'd be nice to be placed somewhere else than line of scrimmage all the time. How could I persuade my coach to actually hand me the ball every now and then?
-Lineman in distress
A: This question came up in quite a lot of mails. And as for answer, I have a great idea for you. Every single time that you are there on the line of scrimmage (best place on field on my opinion) take a dive. Every single time, no matter how weak, strong, big or small your opponent, just take a dive. Doesn't matter whether you block or they block, take a dive. After all, you are a rookie, which means that they probably won't even come and kick you in the head (usually). Then just take your time getting up and see what's going on there and slowly make your way back to the action. So whenever in doubt as a rookie, take a dive. Eventually the coach will have to make you do something else, out of sheer frustration.
Q: Timppis help me! My coach want's me to put on these really nasty looking boots and told me that I should become our teams prominent fouler and start studying some dirty player skills. But Im an elf, gracious, slender, fast and agile! Not some brute who goes around kicking people. What should I do?
-Elvengrace
A: Hmm... You do realise that all the other girls (elves) in your team are just as gracious and slender as you don't you? Let's take another approach to this. You have two options with you, let's go through them separately.
On the first one your coach let's you keep your head and maybe tells you to learn blocking or dodging. You learn it and face the field with courage, determination and grace. Then you face this chaos warrior that has just been gifted with claws and razor sharp fangs in front of you grinning victoriously as he starts slicing through you.
Now on the second option. Your teammates have somehow, don't ask me how they did it, actually managed to block that same chaos warrior down. Instead of facing his flailing claws and maniacal grin you step above him with your blood-stained steel-toed boots that you've smuggled into the field. Looking down on him as he tries to make his way up to wreak havoc on your team, you face only one difficult choice, groin or the head.
Think about that my little elven friend.
Q: YO T! What's up with my teammates? I've been scoring like a maniac in the last ten games or so. And now they won't hand me the ball. Im easily the best scorer in the team, and I have all the skillz and the movez. So what's up with those muthas?
-2good4team?
A: Yo 2 U 2 2g4t. U've BCum so good that Ur T Can't Teik 4 it. U gotta Undastand that not Every1 can B as Good as U. But they want to try. Of course they can't, Bcause U are mean SOB. But let them try. When it really matters, when they really need the Vic TD U know who They are gonna Call 4 - U.
PO JTO!
Q: Dear Timppis, I approach you in the most serious and critical of issues that is both personally important to myself, as to the whole of community that I represent. I am really worried about the whole "really stupid" "wild animal" and "bone-head" concepts that I have been hearing about lately. It seems that even though they value our strength and durability, most teams actually laugh at us, the big guys. Surely they ask and quite naturally receive our aid when needed, but at the same time it breaks my heart to hear the sniggering behind my own or my colleagues back. Are we not the most helpful, eager and and efficient players for many of the teams we represent? Are we not always there in the midst of carnage caring little of our personal welfare? Are we not more than often the target of fouling maniacs ready to take us out at any cost? And what's most important, Are we not people too? Thank you in advance, yours truly.
-Durr'h the troll
A: Dear Durr'h, who stood by your side helping you to write this? And how many times did you notice yourself eating the person helping you or just simply staring the skies waiting for the next line to come up? I have nothing but respect for big guys in their ability to bring the mayhem that we all so dearly love, but stereotypes don't exist on their own. You know it as well as I do. Why do you think you're never blitzing, or carrying the ball? Does it ever occur to you that yes, you might be really really stupid. When it comes to your teammates laughing, they don't laugh at you when you punch through a ribcage of opponents advancing blitzers. And whenever you feel that someone is actually laughing at you. Go ahead and rip their head off. That's why we love you and your kin.
Q: Dear Timppis. I am as fast and strong as Griff Oberwald, but I also possess Jordell Freshbreeze type of skill set of moves and tricks tipped with elvishlike agility. Now I've decided that I no longer want to play the team I play for, because they're utter crap, and instead head for new career. Maybe start playing as a star player, renting my abilities and skills to anyone who needs. How should I begin doing that? My contract is really tight, but there's gotta be some way of getting rid of the team to pursue real riches and fame?
-Star in the making
A: You can't. You're stuck with the team you started for. There are no trades, there are no free agents, there are just those destined for stardom, and then there are likes of you. Legends you may be, but confined to your own colours you are. And when the time comes, yes, instead of nice big paycheck and retirement funds, more than probably with your skills, it's quick kick in the head and farewell sweetness of living. So don't bother studying for aftercareer.
That's about it for me this time. I thank all the people that follow my column and of course all the players who submitted their questions. See you next time in Dear Timppis.
Q: Dear Timppis, I have a problem. I know that I am a rookie but still it'd be nice to be placed somewhere else than line of scrimmage all the time. How could I persuade my coach to actually hand me the ball every now and then?
-Lineman in distress
A: This question came up in quite a lot of mails. And as for answer, I have a great idea for you. Every single time that you are there on the line of scrimmage (best place on field on my opinion) take a dive. Every single time, no matter how weak, strong, big or small your opponent, just take a dive. Doesn't matter whether you block or they block, take a dive. After all, you are a rookie, which means that they probably won't even come and kick you in the head (usually). Then just take your time getting up and see what's going on there and slowly make your way back to the action. So whenever in doubt as a rookie, take a dive. Eventually the coach will have to make you do something else, out of sheer frustration.
Q: Timppis help me! My coach want's me to put on these really nasty looking boots and told me that I should become our teams prominent fouler and start studying some dirty player skills. But Im an elf, gracious, slender, fast and agile! Not some brute who goes around kicking people. What should I do?
-Elvengrace
A: Hmm... You do realise that all the other girls (elves) in your team are just as gracious and slender as you don't you? Let's take another approach to this. You have two options with you, let's go through them separately.
On the first one your coach let's you keep your head and maybe tells you to learn blocking or dodging. You learn it and face the field with courage, determination and grace. Then you face this chaos warrior that has just been gifted with claws and razor sharp fangs in front of you grinning victoriously as he starts slicing through you.
Now on the second option. Your teammates have somehow, don't ask me how they did it, actually managed to block that same chaos warrior down. Instead of facing his flailing claws and maniacal grin you step above him with your blood-stained steel-toed boots that you've smuggled into the field. Looking down on him as he tries to make his way up to wreak havoc on your team, you face only one difficult choice, groin or the head.
Think about that my little elven friend.
Q: YO T! What's up with my teammates? I've been scoring like a maniac in the last ten games or so. And now they won't hand me the ball. Im easily the best scorer in the team, and I have all the skillz and the movez. So what's up with those muthas?
-2good4team?
A: Yo 2 U 2 2g4t. U've BCum so good that Ur T Can't Teik 4 it. U gotta Undastand that not Every1 can B as Good as U. But they want to try. Of course they can't, Bcause U are mean SOB. But let them try. When it really matters, when they really need the Vic TD U know who They are gonna Call 4 - U.
PO JTO!
Q: Dear Timppis, I approach you in the most serious and critical of issues that is both personally important to myself, as to the whole of community that I represent. I am really worried about the whole "really stupid" "wild animal" and "bone-head" concepts that I have been hearing about lately. It seems that even though they value our strength and durability, most teams actually laugh at us, the big guys. Surely they ask and quite naturally receive our aid when needed, but at the same time it breaks my heart to hear the sniggering behind my own or my colleagues back. Are we not the most helpful, eager and and efficient players for many of the teams we represent? Are we not always there in the midst of carnage caring little of our personal welfare? Are we not more than often the target of fouling maniacs ready to take us out at any cost? And what's most important, Are we not people too? Thank you in advance, yours truly.
-Durr'h the troll
A: Dear Durr'h, who stood by your side helping you to write this? And how many times did you notice yourself eating the person helping you or just simply staring the skies waiting for the next line to come up? I have nothing but respect for big guys in their ability to bring the mayhem that we all so dearly love, but stereotypes don't exist on their own. You know it as well as I do. Why do you think you're never blitzing, or carrying the ball? Does it ever occur to you that yes, you might be really really stupid. When it comes to your teammates laughing, they don't laugh at you when you punch through a ribcage of opponents advancing blitzers. And whenever you feel that someone is actually laughing at you. Go ahead and rip their head off. That's why we love you and your kin.
Q: Dear Timppis. I am as fast and strong as Griff Oberwald, but I also possess Jordell Freshbreeze type of skill set of moves and tricks tipped with elvishlike agility. Now I've decided that I no longer want to play the team I play for, because they're utter crap, and instead head for new career. Maybe start playing as a star player, renting my abilities and skills to anyone who needs. How should I begin doing that? My contract is really tight, but there's gotta be some way of getting rid of the team to pursue real riches and fame?
-Star in the making
A: You can't. You're stuck with the team you started for. There are no trades, there are no free agents, there are just those destined for stardom, and then there are likes of you. Legends you may be, but confined to your own colours you are. And when the time comes, yes, instead of nice big paycheck and retirement funds, more than probably with your skills, it's quick kick in the head and farewell sweetness of living. So don't bother studying for aftercareer.
That's about it for me this time. I thank all the people that follow my column and of course all the players who submitted their questions. See you next time in Dear Timppis.
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