The scene opens up in the board room of Real Sociedead. Seraphim Red sits at the head of a large coffin shaped (What else did you expect?) desk; also in attendance is his assistant and a number of other dead and dying staff members too lowly to name.

SeraphimRed is his glum looking self.

Ass.: OK, I’ll kick things off. The first thing on the agenda is what the hell happened to our revenue stream?

Sera glares at his Ghoulish Accountant.

Ghoulish Accountant: Well, I errr, I mean WE... we made some bad investments this quarter sir, largely investing into some of the Euro debt.

Sera: Oh. Blame the Euro again; I think we’re all tired of hearing that one. We’ll be blaming things on the Euro for the next few years no doubt.

Ass.: Decades more likely...

Sera: What about the Bank?!

Ghoulish Accountant: Unfortunately the CRP Bank is none-existent, they put all the cash in UBS but a Rogue Trader has caused havoc.

Sera: ...

Ass.: ... Financial Times?

Ghoulish Accountant: No, it made all of the press?

Sera: Wasn’t in the Daily Sport I assure you... I ‘read’ it twice this morning.

The Ass looks at Sera stony-faced.

Ass.: So in summary, we’re skint?

Ghoulish Accountant: Yes. I’m afraid so.

Sera: Great. We’ll need to resort to peddling our wears in public soon.

Ass.: Well, we do have a lot of surplus handbags in stock.

Sera: Handbags?

Ass.: We tried a different direction in merchandising back in season 6... ... Only Purplegoo bought one.

Sera: Figures. See if FUMBBL wants to buy those then.

Ass.: Right. Next item. What the F has happened to the handicapping system?

Everyone glares at the attending OBBA delegate.

OBBA Delegate: Err... we have vastly improved it...

Everyone glares at the OBBA delegate.

OBBA Delegate: ... I think...

Everyone glares at the OBBA delegate.

OBBA Delegate: ... we’re still waiting on the data in truth.

Sera: Can you explain why blood bowl players carrying chainsaws onto the field now outnumber chavs carrying knives on our streets?

OBBA Delegate: You guys must be giving away too many inducements.

Sera: Indu-what-now?

OBBA Delegate: Your team value is so high that you have to pay the other, less affluent teams, money to play you.

Everyone glares at the Ghoulish Accountant, who now sinks into his seat.

Sera: No wonder we have no freakin’ money! Surely the OBBA should pay them.

OBBA Delegate: Actually, it’s the stadium owner; it says so in the fluff fine print of CRP. You should reduce your TV.

Ass.: Which nicely brings us to the next point, our increased death rate...

Everyone stares at the Apo... oh wait...

Ass.: Erm... who is in charge of the infirmary?

Silence.

Sera: Oh, well... no bloody wonder we’re in trouble then. Can we hire an Apothecary please?

Ass.: We can hire an Igor.

Sera: What the hell is an Igor?

Ass.: I have no idea.

Sera: Well hire one.

Ass.: The irony is sir that we can’t start to hire one until nigh everyone on the team is killed and we start getting inducements.

Sera face-palms himself.

Sera: So, what has happened to our star players this season, my beloved side-stepping MA4 Mummy? My delicious ST4 Ghoul? And my tireless ST4 Zombie? And my All-Star DP?

The Ass flicks through some papers.

Ass.: Erm... CPOMB’d, CPOMB’d, Sawed in two, CPOMB’d, in that order.

Sera: God damn CPOMB’ers! What can we do to counter them? And don’t say fend!

Ass.: Well, fortunately the client guys are on this one. They have deliberately coded a glitch into the system...

Sera: I’m well aware of the déjà vu of the CPOMB RIP glitch, that’s why I want a fix!

Ass.: No, no, that’s not the glitch. The glitch is that they don’t receive SPPS for PO CAS.

Sera: Ooo, nice.

Ass.: So even though the Chief Head Rules Inspector Sergeant T...

Sera: We get where you’re going with that, please move along...

Ass.: ... OK... won’t listen, the developers are! God bless Kalimar!

Sera: Good. So we can tick that one off.

Ass.: Right, next item... Zara the slayer. When we played against her last we made a Two Turn touchdown to get her sent off only to soon discover that she doesn’t have the Secret Weapon trait.

Sera: Yeah, what gives?

Ass.: Apparently under CRP Stakes have been downgraded to a class C weapon?

Sera: What is class C?

The Ass flicks through the rule book.

Ass.: Grade A are Chainsaws, Balls on Chains, Dwarf Tractors and generally things that you can’t fit in your pocket. They get you sent off and elicit a frowning of a life time.
Grade B are Knives, Knuckledusters and Guns that fire balls... all of which just get you sent off with a slap on the wrist.
Grade C are Stakes, Wet fish and Shoes... these now just get you laughed at.

Sera: So a gun that shoots a ball out and hurts no one is worse than a fiendishly sharp pointy stick that can be used to gouge out eyes?

Ass.: Seems so sir.

Sera shakes his head.

Sera: The world has gone mad; our whole plan went to pot on that one.

Ass.: On the basis it was sound sir, we’ll just have to remember next time.

Sera: Oh, you mean like we’re supposed to remember to declare we’re going to pass or handoff?

Ass.: Yes.

Sera: And how’s that panning out for us so far?

Ass.: We’ve seen a significant reduction over the course of the season sir... our final game we only forgot once!

Sera: We’ve lost so many games due to that.

The Ass nods.

Sera: In fact, do you know what else I miss?

Ass.: No sir.

Sera: I miss the luck counter, and I’m sure I’m not the only one.

Ass.: No, I’m sure Spiro does too.

Sera: At least when we had the luck counter and you lost a game, you could look at it afterwards and console yourself in the knowledge that your opponent had 51% of the luck total! Now when you lose it’s just depressing.

The Ass nods again.

Sera: So... Can we carry the motion already? All those who think CRP sucks bum holes, say “aye”...

Collective: AYE!

Sera: Motion carried! Meeting adjourned!

The scene fades to the OBBA Cup.