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2014-06-05 18:27:58
33 votes, rating 4.1
33 votes, rating 4.1
So much cynicism in the world today!
I was having an argument with my mum this morning. She did not believe I could make a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
You should have seen her face when I drove pasta!
Comments
Posted by Mr_Foulscumm on 2014-06-05 18:44:06
Lowest form of humor :(
Posted by fidius on 2014-06-05 18:59:25
Q: What's the difference between a duck?
A: One of its legs are both the same.
A: One of its legs are both the same.
Posted by keggiemckill on 2014-06-05 19:25:35
Q: Have you ever made Whoopie while camping?
A: It is F**ing in Tents.
A: It is F**ing in Tents.
Posted by Russo on 2014-06-05 19:50:51
You guys are so cruel...this is a great joke :-(
Bah Humbug!!
Bah Humbug!!
Posted by cthol on 2014-06-05 19:58:20
It is indeed an awesome joke :)
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It drove down the road and turned into a field.
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It drove down the road and turned into a field.
Posted by Russo on 2014-06-05 20:21:54
:-)
Posted by Sp00keh on 2014-06-05 20:31:34
what is whitney houstons favourite type of coordination?
Haaannndddddd Eyyyeeee
Haaannndddddd Eyyyeeee
Posted by Russo on 2014-06-05 20:37:37
*groan*
Posted by Mr_Foulscumm on 2014-06-05 20:54:34
How did Moses make his tea? Hebrew it.
Posted by Russo on 2014-06-05 21:03:00
Good one!
Posted by Throweck on 2014-06-05 21:10:43
A rabbit goes into a pub and orders a ham toastie and a pint. He does this every day for a month. The next day he orders a cheese toastie. The rabbit is not seen in the pub again. A few days later the landlord sees the ghost of the rabbit and asks 'What happened to you?' The rabbit replies 'I died.'
'Of what?' enquires the landlord.
'Mixin-me-toasties!'
:D
'Of what?' enquires the landlord.
'Mixin-me-toasties!'
:D
Posted by f_alk on 2014-06-05 21:18:39
Q: Why can't you approximate the area of a circle faster than a buccaneer in the crow's nest?
A: Because of the higher pirate.
A: Because of the higher pirate.
Posted by Throweck on 2014-06-05 21:20:45
Went into the butchers and bet the guy that he couldn't reach the meat on the top rack. He refused. He said the steaks were too high!
Posted by Meltyman on 2014-06-05 21:29:41
Q: Why did the Mushroom get invited to all the parties?
A: 'Cuz he's a fungi!
A: 'Cuz he's a fungi!
Posted by Mr_Foulscumm on 2014-06-05 21:40:49
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
Posted by Russo on 2014-06-05 22:13:15
Oh I am SOOO glad I started this off...its deffo great fun :-)
Posted by Throweck on 2014-06-05 22:38:58
I went to a fancy dress party the other night. There was a bloke with a girl strapped to his back. I said 'What have you come as?'
He replied 'A turtle. This is Michelle!'
He replied 'A turtle. This is Michelle!'
Posted by liquidorange on 2014-06-05 22:48:05
So there's this penguin, and he's on vacation in Australia. He's rented a convertible and he's got the top down. He's driving along the coast, enjoying the bright, sunny, day and all of the sudden his car starts seizing up. Engine knocking, car shuddering... the worst. And the penguin thinks to himself, "Shit, just my luck."
Right at that moment though, he sees a service station up ahead. He puts the car in neutral, coasts into the service station, and just then the car completely dies on him. "Whew", he thinks. "That was a close one."
The penguin waddles up to the mechanic on duty and says, "Oi, do you mind looking over my car? I'm not sure what's wrong with it, but it just died on me." The mechanic responds, "Sure thing, mate. We'll look it over and give you some idea in about a half an hour. My apologies that we don't have more to do around here while you wait, but we do have an ice cream stand across the highway."
The penguin's eyes grow wide. "ICE CREAM?" he exclaims. "I'll see you in thirty minutes!"
So the penguin waddles across the highway and goes up to the ice cream stand. "I'll have a double dip of vanilla ice cream", he says as he slaps his money down on the counter. "Coming right up!" comes the reply.
With his ice cream in hand, the penguin dives right in. It's a hot day, and well, he's a penguin slightly out of his element - so it does wind up getting all over his face and everything. But it's so hot and he's so into the ice cream that he doesn't even care. In fact, he's so into it that he doesn't even notice that the half hour has quickly flown by. "Oh my gosh!" he thinks, "I need to go check on my car."
So he waddles back across the highway and goes up to the mechanic who is still poking around under the hood.
"Have you figured out what's wrong?" the penguin asks.
"It's looks like you just blew a seal" comes the reply from the mechanic.
Blushing profusely and doing his best to wipe his face, the penguin protests, "NONONO, I SWEAR THAT'S JUST ICE CREAM!"
Right at that moment though, he sees a service station up ahead. He puts the car in neutral, coasts into the service station, and just then the car completely dies on him. "Whew", he thinks. "That was a close one."
The penguin waddles up to the mechanic on duty and says, "Oi, do you mind looking over my car? I'm not sure what's wrong with it, but it just died on me." The mechanic responds, "Sure thing, mate. We'll look it over and give you some idea in about a half an hour. My apologies that we don't have more to do around here while you wait, but we do have an ice cream stand across the highway."
The penguin's eyes grow wide. "ICE CREAM?" he exclaims. "I'll see you in thirty minutes!"
So the penguin waddles across the highway and goes up to the ice cream stand. "I'll have a double dip of vanilla ice cream", he says as he slaps his money down on the counter. "Coming right up!" comes the reply.
With his ice cream in hand, the penguin dives right in. It's a hot day, and well, he's a penguin slightly out of his element - so it does wind up getting all over his face and everything. But it's so hot and he's so into the ice cream that he doesn't even care. In fact, he's so into it that he doesn't even notice that the half hour has quickly flown by. "Oh my gosh!" he thinks, "I need to go check on my car."
So he waddles back across the highway and goes up to the mechanic who is still poking around under the hood.
"Have you figured out what's wrong?" the penguin asks.
"It's looks like you just blew a seal" comes the reply from the mechanic.
Blushing profusely and doing his best to wipe his face, the penguin protests, "NONONO, I SWEAR THAT'S JUST ICE CREAM!"
Posted by Russo on 2014-06-05 23:02:24
Superb!
Keep 'em coming guys :-)))))
Keep 'em coming guys :-)))))
Posted by Throweck on 2014-06-06 00:17:22
Why are pirates called pirates?
'Cos they AARRRRGH!
'Cos they AARRRRGH!
Posted by Overhamsteren on 2014-06-06 00:40:15
-How does Russo find sheep in long grass?
-Pretty good!
-Pretty good!
Posted by liquidorange on 2014-06-06 02:25:48
Sheep jokes? Okay.
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?
One sings, "Hey you, get offa my cloud", while the other says, "Eh, McCloud! Get offa mah ewe!"
What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?
One sings, "Hey you, get offa my cloud", while the other says, "Eh, McCloud! Get offa mah ewe!"
Posted by mrt1212 on 2014-06-06 02:58:25
Keep em coming, I rated it a 6.
Posted by Russo on 2014-06-06 07:00:57
Why thank you kind sir :-)
PS Ask yourself why the sheep keep going in the long grass?
Playing hard to get or what????
PS Ask yourself why the sheep keep going in the long grass?
Playing hard to get or what????
Posted by PaddyMick on 2014-06-06 09:57:21
Two Elephants and a drum kit walk off of a cliff
boom boom tsch
boom boom tsch
Posted by awambawamb on 2014-06-06 10:43:28
...there are a white man and a black man in the gym's showers (having a shower each, separately).
At some point, the soap of the white man falls and ends in the black man's shower. The white man asks:
<<hey, could you return me the soap?>>
but the black man replies:
<<what the hell, do I look like a radio?>>
At some point, the soap of the white man falls and ends in the black man's shower. The white man asks:
<<hey, could you return me the soap?>>
but the black man replies:
<<what the hell, do I look like a radio?>>
Posted by Meltyman on 2014-06-06 14:03:55
Sorry for my bad English, i tried my best!
A boy was born with a weird mutation. He had a keyhole replacing his bellybutton. Local doctors could not give an answer to this mutation and the boy seemed healthy, so the case was left as is.
The boy got by his school years even though he never really wanted to go to public showers or swim, because he wanted to dodge all the painful questions regarding his condition.
When he was 25 and ready for adventure, he finally decided to go search an answer to his anomaly, and hopefully get rid of it or even find a reason for it.
Traveling across the globe for months asking for answers, he finally found an old lady in India who seemed to know a guru living in the Himalayas, who would know the answer to every question there is.
After a year of searching through the mountains for this guru he finally found him! the boy had lost all of his fortune, had to amputate a limb that froze on the trip, and he even lost all of his crew members helping him on the search, but finally he could get an answer to all of this !
He slowly and humbly approached the guru sitting next to a bonfire and just before the boy could get a word out of his mouth, the guru throws a key in front of the boy.
The boy grabbed the key and knew what to do with it instantly. He undressed his gear and shirt, pressed the key to his weird keyhole and twisted the key inside his stomach....
... a few seconds passes by...
and then his butt cheeks drops to the ground.
A boy was born with a weird mutation. He had a keyhole replacing his bellybutton. Local doctors could not give an answer to this mutation and the boy seemed healthy, so the case was left as is.
The boy got by his school years even though he never really wanted to go to public showers or swim, because he wanted to dodge all the painful questions regarding his condition.
When he was 25 and ready for adventure, he finally decided to go search an answer to his anomaly, and hopefully get rid of it or even find a reason for it.
Traveling across the globe for months asking for answers, he finally found an old lady in India who seemed to know a guru living in the Himalayas, who would know the answer to every question there is.
After a year of searching through the mountains for this guru he finally found him! the boy had lost all of his fortune, had to amputate a limb that froze on the trip, and he even lost all of his crew members helping him on the search, but finally he could get an answer to all of this !
He slowly and humbly approached the guru sitting next to a bonfire and just before the boy could get a word out of his mouth, the guru throws a key in front of the boy.
The boy grabbed the key and knew what to do with it instantly. He undressed his gear and shirt, pressed the key to his weird keyhole and twisted the key inside his stomach....
... a few seconds passes by...
and then his butt cheeks drops to the ground.
Posted by SpacemanJames on 2014-06-06 14:20:00
Mary recently held a fancy dress party, the theme was to be dressed as an emotion.
Howard turned up painted green with the letters N and V written on his chest. He said "I've come as green with envy".
Sally then turned up dressed in pink and with feathers all over. "I've come as tickled pink" she said.
Then Frank and Bob turn up, both totally naked, Frank with his penis in a bowl of custard and Bob with his penis in a pear.
"What have you come as!?" Mary asked Frank.
"I'm fuckin dis custard, and he's cum in dis pair"
......
Weeks ban about enough?
Howard turned up painted green with the letters N and V written on his chest. He said "I've come as green with envy".
Sally then turned up dressed in pink and with feathers all over. "I've come as tickled pink" she said.
Then Frank and Bob turn up, both totally naked, Frank with his penis in a bowl of custard and Bob with his penis in a pear.
"What have you come as!?" Mary asked Frank.
"I'm fuckin dis custard, and he's cum in dis pair"
......
Weeks ban about enough?
Posted by Meltyman on 2014-06-06 14:38:06
well, that escalated quickly !
Posted by bghandras on 2014-06-06 14:43:18
Best sheep-type ever
A Biologist, Physicist, and a Mathematician travels across England's countryside by train. They are bored as hell, as the landscape repeats itself.
Then they spot a strange, dark sheet with black fur. They shout almost simultaneously.
Biologist - Sheep are black in England!
Physicist - There is at least black sheep in England!
Mathematician - You are all wrong. There is at least one sheep in England which has at least one black side!
A Biologist, Physicist, and a Mathematician travels across England's countryside by train. They are bored as hell, as the landscape repeats itself.
Then they spot a strange, dark sheet with black fur. They shout almost simultaneously.
Biologist - Sheep are black in England!
Physicist - There is at least black sheep in England!
Mathematician - You are all wrong. There is at least one sheep in England which has at least one black side!
Posted by Mr_Foulscumm on 2014-06-06 18:34:16
What the hell gives... most of those are not puns! >:(
Posted by Shades_SteelFist on 2014-06-06 20:40:00
What's E.T Short for?
........
Cos hes got little legs
........
Cos hes got little legs
Posted by Russo on 2014-06-06 20:44:22
It's OK Foulscum.....I am letting them express their creativity!
Apparently it's the thing to do in kindergarten :-)
Apparently it's the thing to do in kindergarten :-)
Posted by liquidorange on 2014-06-06 22:12:15
I thought it was just jokes, not only puns. :(
Posted by Russo on 2014-06-06 22:26:03
Well my original post was a pun, but hey really cheesy jokes have merit too :-)
Posted by Throweck on 2014-06-06 22:45:56
I have a job but it's hard to say what my wife does. She sells seashells on the sea shore.
Posted by Mr_Foulscumm on 2014-06-06 23:01:14
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble!
Posted by keggiemckill on 2014-06-06 23:56:29
This fella had been out of work for a while and his wife forced him to buy this new suit for a job interview. After the interview he decided to swing by the pub and show it off to his buddies. After being there a short while, one buddy accidentally spilled a pint of beer all over his new suit. The guys despairingly says "oh man what am I to do? Now my wife will know If been to the pub."
Another buddy says to him "don't worry, I have a great idea." He puts $20 in the inside pocket of the suit and says "tell her when you were walking home, some drunk walked by and spilled beer all over you. The guy apologized and then he gave you $20 to have the suit cleaned. "
The other guys says "that's a terrific idea!" and continues to drink with his chums.
When the guy gets home later on, his wife is furious. She says to him "where the heck have you been for so long? What happened to your suit?"
The husband replies with the story about a guy spilling beer on him. She quickly reaches into his pocket and snaps out the money. She looks at him with confusion and says "I thought you said $20? Why is there $40 here?"
The husband simply replies " the same guy sh*t my pants."
Another buddy says to him "don't worry, I have a great idea." He puts $20 in the inside pocket of the suit and says "tell her when you were walking home, some drunk walked by and spilled beer all over you. The guy apologized and then he gave you $20 to have the suit cleaned. "
The other guys says "that's a terrific idea!" and continues to drink with his chums.
When the guy gets home later on, his wife is furious. She says to him "where the heck have you been for so long? What happened to your suit?"
The husband replies with the story about a guy spilling beer on him. She quickly reaches into his pocket and snaps out the money. She looks at him with confusion and says "I thought you said $20? Why is there $40 here?"
The husband simply replies " the same guy sh*t my pants."
Posted by Winni on 2014-06-07 22:57:28
3 students are attending a math class. Five of them leave. Says the professor: "Well, if two more come, there wont be anyone left here."
***
A horse enters a bar and orders a drink. The barkeeper serves the drink and asks: "Why the long face buddy?"
***
A horse enters a bar and orders a drink. The barkeeper serves the drink and asks: "Why the long face buddy?"