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2014-12-02 02:37:46
5 votes, rating 6
5 votes, rating 6
Snot Sniffly: Match Recap #3
"Hello everyone, I'm Gorgaz Toothfang, orcish god. With me at my side is my skink counterpart, Snot Sniffly."
"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!"
"It's time once again to slam into the Blood Bowl Pitch with immense fury, and today we're heading the match between Chewy Rat Soup, and Three For The Grid. Rats vs Humans... will the humans clean out the disease infested hallways of Mordheim, or will the rats take the Gutter Runners and shove them up the ass of the ogre, then watch him clench?"
"Which ogre? The human one or the ratty one?"
"Eh, either of them. It'd just be fun to watch."
"For us or the Rat Ogre?"
"I don't know, but I'm not going to ask him. YOU ask him."
"The humans win the toss and have elected to receive, and the rats, flooded with loners after their last match, take to the pitch."
"Two loners are not a flood."
"After what you ate last night, what came out the other end... now THAT was a flood."
"The kick is a high one to the left side and the humans go to support the thrower after smashing rats to the turf. A screen defense is set up as the ogre kills a rat loner with a punch."
"Was that a punch or his pinky finger?"
"The other rat loner slips in for blitz, but trips on a bad dodge and the humans on the move. The rats are not taking no for an answer and jump into the fray, with the "star" Stormvermin, known as He Who Slays Lizards, leading the charge. He grabs a lineman's leg, spins him around and throws him halfway across the pitch to end his night."
"The humans are having none of it as well, and fight back just as hard, pressing back the rat plague as the ball carrier saunters up behind his defensemen and makes googly-eyed faces. Not smart to taunt a rat with a shiv and who knows how to use it..."
"The humans fight back, with the ogre pummling one of the gutter runners, Horns-On-His-Tail, and sending him down to the pitch for some sleep."
"What horns? His tail looks normal to me..."
"The rats continue to close in on the ball carrier as The Bladed Blade, Rat Ogre for the Chewy Rat Soup, knocks Thud McBoomer, the humans' Ogre. Too stupid to get up, the human Stud takes a step forward while the rest of the team slams the rats and drives them back."
(There's a bit of punching on the pitch and the ball is unexpectedly knocked loose.)
"The ball is knocked loose! We have a bouncing ball! Sewer Sniffer, gutter runner for the Soup, grabs it and the humans give chase after He-Who-Slays-Lizards bitchslaps the ogre one or two times. No real damage, but he did push him into something more dangerous: The Bladed Blade's line of sight! One knockdown later, Sewer Sniffer is off. No fool, he quickly scores to bring up the rats to a 1-0 score in the middle of the half and leaving the humans plenty of time to wreck the rats a second time."
"It doesn't take humans to wreck rats."
"Well, yeah, but you could say the same for almost anything given how many things YOU'VE wrecked over the years, including the chair you're sitting on."
(The chair Gorgaz is sitting on collapses under him. Its screws seem to be missing...)
"The rats set up loners on line, with The Bladed Blade ready to blitz. The kick is aimed at midfield... and just as the ball reaches the height of its kicked ass, the skies open up and rain begins to fall. The humans are off... Pissed off, that is! They swing around and charge the back line, covering the gutters. Keeping out of reach, the gutter runners just dodge out and head for the ball in a fearless attempt at scoring a second time. This leaves the backfield open while the rats focus on fouling a lineman; and the ogre Thud McBoomer... wow, look at him charge! POW right in the face of The Bladed Blade, and the rat ogre goes down! He's NOT getting up after that hit! Well, until some smelling salts or a dead skaven corpse for dinner is put under his nose..."
(Gorgaz plunks down another chair, muttering something about his contract not paying enough for this.)
"The gutters squeak to the backfield...
"I saw what you did there..."
"... after the loose ball in the rain, attempting a pass but Sewer Sniffer trips and stuns himself as Horns-On-His-Tail is KOed and out of the drive. The humans set up for a pass and can't manage it in the rain, and Ridge Runner dashes to the ball. He makes it to the end zone..."
"3... 2... 1... Nuffle."
"And he TRIPS! The rats are DENIED a second score as well as their rat ogre for the second half. We are at halftime."
(Halftime. An advertisement plays on the Gigant-O-Tron: "Drink Cloggy Beer. Now hardens your arteries faster than dwarven fast food!")
"*snort* Dwarves are not fast."
"Better than Grogbooze Beer, that stuff gave me the runs."
"Is it faster than their runners?"
"A zombie with two broken hips is faster than their runners."
(The cameras turn back on and they quickly turn to face them.)
"We're back and better than ever..."
"Says you, lizard."
"Takes one to know one, greenskin. Anyway, we're back and now the humans are kicking to the rats, and it's 8 on 10 as the second half begins."
"Two loners, one blitzer, the gutters, assorted linefodder and rain. Ugly."
"You mean the ogre right?"
"And there's the kickoff! It's a blitz! The rats were still watching the Gigant-O-Tron as the humans are on the move! And they are PISSED!"
"The rats are quickly gonna run out of bodies at this rate. They'd set up for a defense on the line of scrimmage, and the ball bounced VERY short to wisely keep it out of the hands of the gutters. The humans surround the ball's projected landing zone... and a lucky human catches it in the middle of the linerats!"
(Both of them wince as the monitor shows a replay)
"Well, until that punch to the balls made him drop it."
"The ball scatters and Three For The Grid surrounds the ball making it impossible for anyone except them to get it. Worried, what rats remain try to dodge out and regroup... ... ... and there's the unavoidable tailpull, leaving the humans set up to score and stall. Only the gutter runners are close by to attempt to hit."
"The attempted hit is of the expected kind, and as Sewer Sniffer is knocked to earth the humans saunter in to tie the game at a touchdown apiece. The rats can still win this one, but it's going to take some doing and a little bit of Nuffle not laughing at them."
"They're going to have to plan their moves carefully and stall to give them the shot at the win."
"Rats? Planning? Nah. The ogre thinks more than they do. YOU think more than they do. The ogre thinks more than you do."
"That's right, Snot, and..."
(the orc glances at a monitor then does a doubletake)
"Wait a minute..."
"And there's the kickoff! It's a quick snap, and the rats WISELY dodge away from the line of scrimmage to scramble and set up a cage. As expected, the humans surround them planning on making chewy rat soup out of Chewy Rat Soup... and as a single blitz hit comes in and breaks the cage, the human blitzers back off into their own backfield. They're not going to let the gutter runners embarass them in their own half!"
"Yeah, they do that pretty well on their own. The rats attempt a slow moving cage, dodging out and setting the rest of the gutter runners around Horns-On-His-Tail. Sacrificial bodies to be sure, but you do what it takes to get that ball in that endzone over there. When the humans set up a wall in front of them, it looks bleak. There's a moment of silence, and... wait a minute... did the stormvermin insult the ogre's mother?"
"If you had the face she did, well, she'd still be uglier..."
"He Who Slays Lizards lives up to his name! Dauntless and fearless, a right hook by the rodent drives Thud McBoomer to the ground! Now THAT is a rat I can respect! The ball carrier... yes, he's going for it ladies and gentleorcs! He's running with no defense to try to pull off a sco-- no, he tripped."
"Always on that last move, trying to go for it."
"The rest of rats are pummelled, and with nothing to lose, the remaining gutters turn fearless. Getting close to the ball again as the human blitzers flank the ball, the gutter runners fall over attempting to go for it."
"Go for its, not even once."
"With seconds left in the half, the humans set up for a pass and handoff in the rain to clinch the win as He Who Slays Lizards gets stunned again and has bits of armor fly off his suit from a punch by the ogre. The ball is too slick to be held onto however, and this gives the rats one last shot at a win!"
"The ball is loose! The gutter runners run to grab it and set up for quick pass... but the ball is too slick from sweat and... other things..."
"No more porn for that rat, for certain."
The humans have a last gasp. They get up, and WOW... a grab in two rat zones, then a dodge out! And... there's the quick pass! The humans have a real shot to take victory out of the draw... wait, wait no. The handoff is a joke of a pass, with the humans thinking they were in the clear."
"How many times do I need to tell teams DON'T CELEBRATE until you're in the endzone! What a bunch of idiots."
"They're humans, they're not much smarter than the average rat."
"The rats hold off the human advance for a one-one tie, and leave the pitch to see to their Rat Ogre."
(Snot gets up to leave.)
"And now I leave for a hot date!"
"You? A date?"
"Yeah, with Thud McBoomer's mother."
(The orc grins.)
"Let me send you on your way then!"
(The orc grabs his partner and does a poor imitation of Throw Team Mate, slamming him into the camera. The lens cracks.)
"This is Gorgaz Toothfang, saying kick ass out there on the pitch, or I'll kick yours much harder than Snot's!"
"... and yet... you still... rolled a 6 on that throw..."
"Hiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!"
"It's time once again to slam into the Blood Bowl Pitch with immense fury, and today we're heading the match between Chewy Rat Soup, and Three For The Grid. Rats vs Humans... will the humans clean out the disease infested hallways of Mordheim, or will the rats take the Gutter Runners and shove them up the ass of the ogre, then watch him clench?"
"Which ogre? The human one or the ratty one?"
"Eh, either of them. It'd just be fun to watch."
"For us or the Rat Ogre?"
"I don't know, but I'm not going to ask him. YOU ask him."
"The humans win the toss and have elected to receive, and the rats, flooded with loners after their last match, take to the pitch."
"Two loners are not a flood."
"After what you ate last night, what came out the other end... now THAT was a flood."
"The kick is a high one to the left side and the humans go to support the thrower after smashing rats to the turf. A screen defense is set up as the ogre kills a rat loner with a punch."
"Was that a punch or his pinky finger?"
"The other rat loner slips in for blitz, but trips on a bad dodge and the humans on the move. The rats are not taking no for an answer and jump into the fray, with the "star" Stormvermin, known as He Who Slays Lizards, leading the charge. He grabs a lineman's leg, spins him around and throws him halfway across the pitch to end his night."
"The humans are having none of it as well, and fight back just as hard, pressing back the rat plague as the ball carrier saunters up behind his defensemen and makes googly-eyed faces. Not smart to taunt a rat with a shiv and who knows how to use it..."
"The humans fight back, with the ogre pummling one of the gutter runners, Horns-On-His-Tail, and sending him down to the pitch for some sleep."
"What horns? His tail looks normal to me..."
"The rats continue to close in on the ball carrier as The Bladed Blade, Rat Ogre for the Chewy Rat Soup, knocks Thud McBoomer, the humans' Ogre. Too stupid to get up, the human Stud takes a step forward while the rest of the team slams the rats and drives them back."
(There's a bit of punching on the pitch and the ball is unexpectedly knocked loose.)
"The ball is knocked loose! We have a bouncing ball! Sewer Sniffer, gutter runner for the Soup, grabs it and the humans give chase after He-Who-Slays-Lizards bitchslaps the ogre one or two times. No real damage, but he did push him into something more dangerous: The Bladed Blade's line of sight! One knockdown later, Sewer Sniffer is off. No fool, he quickly scores to bring up the rats to a 1-0 score in the middle of the half and leaving the humans plenty of time to wreck the rats a second time."
"It doesn't take humans to wreck rats."
"Well, yeah, but you could say the same for almost anything given how many things YOU'VE wrecked over the years, including the chair you're sitting on."
(The chair Gorgaz is sitting on collapses under him. Its screws seem to be missing...)
"The rats set up loners on line, with The Bladed Blade ready to blitz. The kick is aimed at midfield... and just as the ball reaches the height of its kicked ass, the skies open up and rain begins to fall. The humans are off... Pissed off, that is! They swing around and charge the back line, covering the gutters. Keeping out of reach, the gutter runners just dodge out and head for the ball in a fearless attempt at scoring a second time. This leaves the backfield open while the rats focus on fouling a lineman; and the ogre Thud McBoomer... wow, look at him charge! POW right in the face of The Bladed Blade, and the rat ogre goes down! He's NOT getting up after that hit! Well, until some smelling salts or a dead skaven corpse for dinner is put under his nose..."
(Gorgaz plunks down another chair, muttering something about his contract not paying enough for this.)
"The gutters squeak to the backfield...
"I saw what you did there..."
"... after the loose ball in the rain, attempting a pass but Sewer Sniffer trips and stuns himself as Horns-On-His-Tail is KOed and out of the drive. The humans set up for a pass and can't manage it in the rain, and Ridge Runner dashes to the ball. He makes it to the end zone..."
"3... 2... 1... Nuffle."
"And he TRIPS! The rats are DENIED a second score as well as their rat ogre for the second half. We are at halftime."
(Halftime. An advertisement plays on the Gigant-O-Tron: "Drink Cloggy Beer. Now hardens your arteries faster than dwarven fast food!")
"*snort* Dwarves are not fast."
"Better than Grogbooze Beer, that stuff gave me the runs."
"Is it faster than their runners?"
"A zombie with two broken hips is faster than their runners."
(The cameras turn back on and they quickly turn to face them.)
"We're back and better than ever..."
"Says you, lizard."
"Takes one to know one, greenskin. Anyway, we're back and now the humans are kicking to the rats, and it's 8 on 10 as the second half begins."
"Two loners, one blitzer, the gutters, assorted linefodder and rain. Ugly."
"You mean the ogre right?"
"And there's the kickoff! It's a blitz! The rats were still watching the Gigant-O-Tron as the humans are on the move! And they are PISSED!"
"The rats are quickly gonna run out of bodies at this rate. They'd set up for a defense on the line of scrimmage, and the ball bounced VERY short to wisely keep it out of the hands of the gutters. The humans surround the ball's projected landing zone... and a lucky human catches it in the middle of the linerats!"
(Both of them wince as the monitor shows a replay)
"Well, until that punch to the balls made him drop it."
"The ball scatters and Three For The Grid surrounds the ball making it impossible for anyone except them to get it. Worried, what rats remain try to dodge out and regroup... ... ... and there's the unavoidable tailpull, leaving the humans set up to score and stall. Only the gutter runners are close by to attempt to hit."
"The attempted hit is of the expected kind, and as Sewer Sniffer is knocked to earth the humans saunter in to tie the game at a touchdown apiece. The rats can still win this one, but it's going to take some doing and a little bit of Nuffle not laughing at them."
"They're going to have to plan their moves carefully and stall to give them the shot at the win."
"Rats? Planning? Nah. The ogre thinks more than they do. YOU think more than they do. The ogre thinks more than you do."
"That's right, Snot, and..."
(the orc glances at a monitor then does a doubletake)
"Wait a minute..."
"And there's the kickoff! It's a quick snap, and the rats WISELY dodge away from the line of scrimmage to scramble and set up a cage. As expected, the humans surround them planning on making chewy rat soup out of Chewy Rat Soup... and as a single blitz hit comes in and breaks the cage, the human blitzers back off into their own backfield. They're not going to let the gutter runners embarass them in their own half!"
"Yeah, they do that pretty well on their own. The rats attempt a slow moving cage, dodging out and setting the rest of the gutter runners around Horns-On-His-Tail. Sacrificial bodies to be sure, but you do what it takes to get that ball in that endzone over there. When the humans set up a wall in front of them, it looks bleak. There's a moment of silence, and... wait a minute... did the stormvermin insult the ogre's mother?"
"If you had the face she did, well, she'd still be uglier..."
"He Who Slays Lizards lives up to his name! Dauntless and fearless, a right hook by the rodent drives Thud McBoomer to the ground! Now THAT is a rat I can respect! The ball carrier... yes, he's going for it ladies and gentleorcs! He's running with no defense to try to pull off a sco-- no, he tripped."
"Always on that last move, trying to go for it."
"The rest of rats are pummelled, and with nothing to lose, the remaining gutters turn fearless. Getting close to the ball again as the human blitzers flank the ball, the gutter runners fall over attempting to go for it."
"Go for its, not even once."
"With seconds left in the half, the humans set up for a pass and handoff in the rain to clinch the win as He Who Slays Lizards gets stunned again and has bits of armor fly off his suit from a punch by the ogre. The ball is too slick to be held onto however, and this gives the rats one last shot at a win!"
"The ball is loose! The gutter runners run to grab it and set up for quick pass... but the ball is too slick from sweat and... other things..."
"No more porn for that rat, for certain."
The humans have a last gasp. They get up, and WOW... a grab in two rat zones, then a dodge out! And... there's the quick pass! The humans have a real shot to take victory out of the draw... wait, wait no. The handoff is a joke of a pass, with the humans thinking they were in the clear."
"How many times do I need to tell teams DON'T CELEBRATE until you're in the endzone! What a bunch of idiots."
"They're humans, they're not much smarter than the average rat."
"The rats hold off the human advance for a one-one tie, and leave the pitch to see to their Rat Ogre."
(Snot gets up to leave.)
"And now I leave for a hot date!"
"You? A date?"
"Yeah, with Thud McBoomer's mother."
(The orc grins.)
"Let me send you on your way then!"
(The orc grabs his partner and does a poor imitation of Throw Team Mate, slamming him into the camera. The lens cracks.)
"This is Gorgaz Toothfang, saying kick ass out there on the pitch, or I'll kick yours much harder than Snot's!"
"... and yet... you still... rolled a 6 on that throw..."
Comments
Posted by Cloggy on 2014-12-02 06:27:16
My own beer! A lifelong dream come true :)
Posted by The_Great_Gobbo on 2014-12-02 12:24:54
Keep em kummin, I luvz em!
Posted by AegisTheHyena on 2014-12-02 17:27:09
I hope to get a group of regular viewers, Gobbo... hopefully more will comment eventually. The more people enjoy 'em, the more I write 'em. That and maybe people will spectate my matches... heh. :)