"Welcome everyone to the Blood Bowl Pitch. I'm Snot Sniffly, the skinkiest skink that ever skinked, and..."

"You mean skank-iest."

"..."

"And I'm Gorgaz Toothfang, here with Snot to bring you the best in hits, passes, and general insanity of the fans."

"I wonder just how many flavors of insanity are on the pitch today."

"Probably lightweights compared to the craziness you have to have to strap on some armor and go out there against an opponent team itself."

"Is that why you're up here? You lost your crazy edge?"

"No, I got smart. Someone younger and less injured can go and be crazy. My back, doncha know. It smarts just as much as my brain does."

"For given values of smart..."

"We're in the Blackbox again today folks; the fans want blood and those on the pitch are sure not to disappoint them."

"Probably because if the players don't kill each other, the fans will!"

"Today's clash of titans is the lizards of the Omegatani Punchfist vs the Skaven of Uncatch. Will the rats outrun the lizards and outscore them immensely?"

"Probably."

"Will the lizards beat the fur off the rats until only skinned corpses remain?"

"Probably."

"The Rats lose the toss and the lizards will receive."

"I've heard good things about the Omegatani Punchfist. Competent, strong, quick and just as happy to eat you alive and screaming as look at you."

"I don't like them, and not just because I don't like you either. They give me a creepy vibe, like they're destined for bigger things than me. And there ain't nothing bigger than me!"

"Except maybe the Kroxigor, and certainly your ego."

"Shaddap."

"The lizards set up to cover the field, down a saurus... again... after their last fiasco. The rats waste -no- time in kicking the ball and the battle of big versus small, power vs speed... is on!"

"The kick is a nice short kick as the rats spread out leaving few on the line and allowing the lizards to begin to advance."

"I only see two gutters on the team. This may prove bad if they go gutter hunting. Mister Bones, saurus, heads right for the sidelines as he sees some kind of interesting thing in the stands, and the skinks move to surround the ball before The South Wind snags it. The Apothecary... wait, that's really his name?"

"Looks that way... does he heal himself after every hit?"

"I don't think all the healing in the world will matter, look at those rats assault Team Captain Rat Chomper, the Kroxigor! Down he goes face first into the dirt, stunned! That was a brave linerat!"

"Speaking of healing... no apothecary on the lizard team. Not smart to go in lacking an important part of every team."

"I thought he was called the Apothecary for a reason."

"Do YOU see healing potions and such hanging from that saurus?

"They're rookies, they can be replaced. The rats charge forward, sensing blood after that left hook by the linerat known as Rust. The skinks are forced to stick to the sidelines if they want to make an early score and impress their fans."

"The sauri are locked midfield, covered by the far quick... no, they dodged away, to give themselves room to run after the ball carrier. Mister Bones loses interest in the sidelines and clobbers a gutter as The South Wind is covered by the North Wind and the West Wind, and another saurus kicks the other gutter down."

"The East Wind dodges away and trips on his tail but wisely stops before hurting himself, and it looks like we have a skinky score coming. The rats have to dodge as the sauri position themselves, and Rust, blitzer for the rats, gets up in the South Wind's face.

"Neither of them are afraid of the other, and as The Apothecary goes down and stops moving, the other rats decide to ignore the ball carrier and instead focus on the sauri. If the Apothecary could be so badly hurt that easy, the rest will fall apart like nothing.

"Team Captain Rat Chomper finally stands up after that terrible stun and the rats play 'dodge the lizard' for a good long time. The lizards are covered and it is going to be VERY hard for The South Wind to make a scoring play at this point."

"The North Wind steps forward... the East Wind slaps Rust, and there goes The South Wind in a Blitz! He kicks aside Cundo, a linerat, and scores for a 1-0 lead! We're not even at the halfway point of the first half, and now it's the rats' turn to score."

"It only takes one gutter runner to tie the game, and they have two..."

"Which is still probably higher than the kroxigor can count..."

"Certainly more than you can."

"... and it looks like they're setting up for a kick up the left side, in a potential fakeout. Here though, they have weak skinks aiming for the ball with no defense either way. It will be a painful lesson to learn."

"Like, 'don't pull gum out of your hair by using acid'?"

"Do they actually do that?"

"You don't want to know."

"The kick is a high one right to Rimmer, the thrower for the rats. He fails the catch and the rest are left to smash the loner skink, and then SWARM a saurus known as The Doublekicker if they decide not to all flood the ball. While that happens, the rest of the rats go toward the skinks, hoping to hold them off while the gutters play fetch."

"A gutter runner tries to broadside The South Wind but brings both himself and the lizard down as the lizards see what might be an opening. Here comes the kroxigor towards the ball as Mister Bones slaps aside a rat and the sauri rush to guard the ball for the lizards. The West Wind gets dangerously close to a rat, but being next to the ball is key to slow down the gutter runner chances at picking up the ball."

"Lots of rodents in the backfield; if a gutter runner gets his hands on the ball, it is all over for blocking their chances at scoring. Leonard, a gutter runner, blitzes the skink right onto the ball, it bounces, and... away it goes from the sauri and kroxigor, making it easier for the rest of the rats to grab it and run before they become chewy rat paste."

"You mean Chewy Rat Soup."

"Close enough. The backfiend rats rush to cover the slower skinks as we hit the halfway point of the first half, The West Wind is pushed side and then knocked down... and there's the grab for the ball in no lizard tackle zones! Off the linerat Snapz goes, running for his life!"

"That's not going to stop the skinks from swinging wide and trying to cut him off. The West Wind advances, The North Wind advances... and here comes the East Wind! POW! Snapz goes flying and so does the ball, and the sauri cover the other rats to prevent dodges."

"Rats? Afraid to dodge? Nope. Here come the gutters as the lizards surround the ball with what they can. With the Stormvermin using their superior block skill, an opening is made for an attempt at ball collection... and instead of getting the ball they crowd it, preventing pickups. A saurus is pushed out of the way and there's no way the lizards are picking up the ball again."

"The lizards ignore the ball as Leonard makes a dive for it..."

"Are you sure? Leonard failed the pickup, and the lizards have a shot!"

"You mean had, as a loner rat brings down a saurus. The ball is still loose and waiting to be snagged, but there are still a couple of skinks... correction... ONE skink as we enter the closing moments of the half."

"The East Wind gets up in a rat's face as makes for the ball, and it's no good. Now there are THREE skinks in smashing range, and the rats go to town, hoping to deny the sauri their ball carriers."

"Leonard blitzes one skink and the ball bounces right into a linerat's hands, in range of the kroxigor's tail!"

"A failed dodge by a linerat and it's... almost over for the first half. X'cher The Enraged attacks the ball carrier and is slammed into the pitch, giving the rats one last chance for a long pass. The North Wind is sent into the cold sterile walls of the infirmary for the match... and the rats have one last shot at a long pass into the end zone where an escaped gutter runner lies waiting!"

"There's the handoff away from the kroxigor's lethal tail... there's the pass, and it's... it's..."

"NO GOOD! Micael the Gutter Runner has failed to catch... and the lizards have a bit of an advantage into the second half!"

"8 versus 10? You call that an advantage?"

(We are at halftime. The Gigant-O-Tron plays ads catering to both species out on the pitch, for the rats, warpstone-flavored beer and for the lizards, amazon escort services.)

"Beer and babes. Two things I like to see. Usually up close rather than on the Gigant-O-Tron out there."

"Warpstone beer? That stuff will kill you more than the gutter runners will."

"Good point, and those amazons... I don't want to know where they've been if they're commanding the prices I'm seeing on the screen. You probably know something about them though."

"What makes you think I want to get sat on by a three hundred pound amazon that's all muscle?"

"You're right, I can just mimic that sense by sitting on you, and I'm probably more hygenic."

(The orc flexes his muscles as the skink rolls his eyes and halftime ends.)

"Here we go for the second half, probably filled with just as much action as in the first. The rats are angry, setting up a wide assault and ignoring the middle of the line of scrimmage. The kick is... up the middle as a riot breaks out in the stands, robbing some time off the clock, and the rats begin to go to work on the wide defensemen of the lizard men."

"Wide doesn't begin to describe it. Those two are so fat..."

"They weigh as much as you do? Look at those hits!"

"No block means the lizards are in pain as the rats grab the ball and begin their drive, sending rats to the backfield almost immediately, trying to keep the skinks covered. Leonard charges, mutated horns glistening, and pushes away a skink, meaning now both gutters are in the backfield."

"Snapz picks up the ball and looks for support, but there really isn't any as he passes back to another linerat, Bengo. He's got nowhere to go, and wisely backs up leaving Team Captain Rat Chomper a chance to only get close rather than swipe at him."

"Unafraid, or just plain stupid, the skinks begin advancing on the ball carrier... if he flubs this pass or handoff next, the rats are in trouble."

"Team Captain Rat Chomper mistakes the space he has to move about in, and fails to get close to the ball carrier, leaving the rat to make a move! He hands over to an open linerat and that rat makes a run for it, completely unburdened by the skinks! There's the pass to an unblocked linerat, and the rest of the rats move back to cover the sauri. They jointly assault Mister Bones and..."

"Uh... are they..."

"Yeah, it looks that way. The rats are, uh... hungry. Typical skaven, eating the dead before the match is over... Mister Bones is REDUCED to bones on the pitch, and the sauri are now down one heavy hitter until he can be replaced."

"Nuffle doesn't like this team does he?"

"I'll say. One MNG per match the last two games, then this kill."

"The gutters strike out at another saurus, and the linerat Fego is clear to score. One-One, and it's not even halfway of the second half. If the rats can hit like that again, the Omegatani Punchfist are going to be punched into the history books as a team of nobodies."

"Seven lizards... three sauri, three skinks, and their great leader..."

"Hardly great, given the game so far..."

"Against 11 rodents. They're. In. Trouble."

"It's up to the West Wind, South Wind and East Wind to make this game work, but it's too early in the second half to stall and hope for a 2-1 win. The rats set up the kick, and..."

"A brilliant play allows some extra edge to be enjoyed by the rats as the skinks grab the ball Team Captain Rat Chomper goes after a now-experienced Snapz, stunning him before backing off."

"They're too far in their own backfield to allow anything but the gutters to be a threat and... oh, hey, does one of them have horns?"

"Sure looks that way. Leonard can blitz them easily and grab the ball for himself, embarassing the skinks in the process if he so decides. The lizards are going to have to slowly out-hit the rats, inching up the pitch, if they're going to pull off a 2-1 win. I don't see it happening, though I can hope."

"There's the blitz... and there's the strike! It's no good; the skink dodges backward and so does Leonard to make sure he isn't hurt."

"The lizards, completely fearless at this point with little to lose, move to the sidelines and hope for the best as Team Captain Rat Chomper hangs back and the sauri try their best to set up a tight screen. Sidestep would be nice right about now."

"The South and East Winds hang back, playing sacrifice to give the West Wind the time he needs to move foward. The rodents are just as fearless, moving to block the sauri path, and there's the blitz, setting up a wall of sauri and making it very difficult for the lizards to get ahead."

"Everyone else moves back for defense while three rats surround the kroxigor. Three... two... one... CONTACT, and down goes the team captain, unable to help his friends for just a little bit. That might be the time the rats need to put an end to the dreams of the lizards."

"You're assuming the lizards can think deep enough to have dreams."

"SLOWLY the lizards take a step foward, relying on what sauri are left to keep up the cage. However there are just too many rats, and..."

"What is that skink doing? He's staying on the sideline!"

"Whatever it is, the rats are now on the move and it's going to get ugly fast. For some reason the shield is gone around the West Wind and he's right against the sidelines, easy to be hit. The South Wind is sent home for the match badly hurt, and oh wow, down goes X'cher The Enraged to follow him! The lizard men are IN TROUBLE!"

"That's three of five sauri out this match and The West Wind's route of escape is cut off. Does he hold onto the ball in the closing moments for a one-one tie, or do they attempt the impossible for the win?

"The Kroxigor beats down one of the stormvermin as... yes, the West Wind is making a break for it!"

"He ducks, he weaves... and escapes the rats, heading for the..."

(they both wince as he trips on his tail on the second of two GFIs and he's off the pitch for the match.)

"Loose ball in the rat backfield with only one skink in range but he's surrounded by rats. It's the East Wind... and he'll be breaking wind in fear in a minute as the rodents rush to surround him and also grab the ball. Rimmer, thrower for the rats, grabs the ball and makes a pass to Micael the gutter runner, who BOLTS for the end zone! as the East Wind brings down Leonard for the closing seconds. The rats win, 2-1!"

(The buzzer sounds. Not enough time for a second touchdown on the side of the rats.)

"One-One tie, folks. An impressive feat for a group of unskilled lizard men to hold off a team so quick. Maybe in their next match they'll actually hit harder and score more."

"According to this playbook, it looks like the lizard men have some secret training going on. Team Captain Rat Chomper is learning to block, and it looks like one of the skinks is learning to be even more nimble than normal. And they've also realized the concept of an apothecary!"

"That just means that when this team is developed... it's going to be a scary thing to see."

"Much like looking at you before your morning coffee? Or anytime thereafter, really..."

"No, scarier."

(The skink shudders.)

"This is Snot Sniffly and Gorgaz Toothfang for the Craptastic Bash N' Break Corperation..."

"Saying eat your elf-ies and smash your snots. You don't want me to do it for you."

-(+Agi on a skink and Block on the Krox? YES PLEASE!)-