"Welcome everybody back to the Blood Bowl pitch! If you're wondering where we've been for a week or so, after blatantly on-the-air ignoring the last half of the last match we commentated..."

"What? It -was- THAT bad. Did you see the numbers? What was there left to commentate?"

"You still lost that round of solitaire..."

"... Shut. Up."

"... we were sit down and had a little chat with the investors."

"I wouldn't call those legbreakers they sent, 'investors'. Inept-sters, maybe."

"Careful Gorgaz, it's not nice to call a transgendered (twice) minotaur inept."

"Well THOSE minotaurs sure were."

"..."

"We're still standing, aren't we? Those guys were rookies."

(Gorgaz punches his fist in his other hand.)

"... anyway, I'm Snot Sniffly and with me is Gorgaz Toothfang; today's blood brawl is back in Ranked, where the dwarves of the Grogbooze Beer Company are taking on the orcs of KrushEm; a classic dwarf-on-orc brawl that will leave a bad taste in the mouths of the losers."

"And we're not talking about the hideous dwarven beer, either."

"And the orcs' brew is better?"

"Certainly better than anything the dwarves piss out and classify as a consumable beverage."

"While the dwarves have the fan advantage, it is the orcs that have the advantage of calling the coin... they call the coin correctly and choose to receive today on this clear day. The dwarves are missing a trollslayer, which may actually work to their advantage."

"Yeah, less important meat lost getting hurt."

"Dwarves are important?"

"Good point."

"Here we go! Kickoff kicks off a riot as the ball sails to midfield, eating up valuable time as the orcs charge, knocking dwarves aside and sending in their two goblins to watch over the ball until it can be collected. The dwarves hit back and try to swing around one side of the field to get close to the ball."

"The dwarves push back a little bit but can't make headway as the orcs begin to play Punch The Dwarf. No real damage to the dwarves as they then change tactics and back up trying to play defense, forcing blitzes. The goblins seem to have trouble picking up the ball repeatedly as the dwarves inch ever closer."

"The dwarves reach the ball but decide to try to surround it; the only ones within reach are blitzers and runners, neither of which have tackle. The journeyman dwarf lineman tries to smack an orc and gets smacked for his trouble as Foe Hammer Frankie, lone trollslayer for this game, goes down with a thud."

"The orcs assault the runners, but only push them away from the ball as those on the line of scrimmage break out into a fistfight and assorted insults about each others' mothers. While that set of fisticuffs goes on, Tiny Tim for the Krushem orcs attempts to grab the ball under the feet of one of the dwarven runners, Norman Grogbooze."

"And there he goes! The orcs move to surround the goblin before the bloodthirsty dwarves can get their beer-stained mitts into him and pound him into paste!"

"Paste that tastes better than the dwarven beer at any rate!"

"Minecarver Martin charges as we hit the halfway point of the first half but without effective blocking from Norman, the goblin with the ball can make a run for it. If he manages to break through the wall of dwarves on the line of scrimmage, he'll be home free to bring the score up 1-0."

"Which is still a bigger number than the combined IQ of the dwarven team!"

"The goblin instead does the smart thing... who knew goblins were smart... and hands the ball to Flash Gordon, blitzer for Krushem. The dwarven blitzers are too far away to catch him, so unless the dwarves attack HARD soon, Flash will be the scorer."

"And there goes 'Toy' Bonbon Axe-Wielder! Look at him build up a head of steam! There's the punch, and WOW look at that orc go flying! Flash Gordon goes spiralling into the dirt as the ball flies into the air... and right into the hands of the journeyman dwarf!"

"Well, if that's a good thing, why is the coach in the dugout cursing and throwing things?"

"I think he hates journeymen, period, but if he wants to win he has to do the right thing and get that dwarf to score so as to demoralize the orcs when it is time for the dwarves' drive next half."

"Roldán el Temerario goes to assist Ruprecht on the block, and down goes the dwarf to send the ball into no-man's-land. Dwarves now straddle the ball, but they're not going to be able to dodge to make any good on picking it up."

"Like the way you pick up women."

(The skink shoots the camera a knowing grin while rolling his eyes.)

"Foe Hammer Frankie wisely feigns a stun so he doesn't get crowdfed as he comes dangerously close to the sidelines, and one of the goblins trips, sending himself home on a stretcher for a game!"

"I don't think he was faking it."

"The Boulder, the other blitzer for the dwarves, tries to move in and grab the ball but it slips loose and bounces next to a couple orcs. Tiny Tim slips up next to the Boulder, but wisely decides not to dive for the ball; at least he can assist those trying to make dwarven bloodbeer out of dwarven bodies."

"The ball gets surrounded by no less than 4 orcs and the dwarves don't have a shot at scoring this half... no way... and Foe Hammer Frankie tries a desperate blitz to knock an orc onto the ball. He pushes, he goes insane, he presses on... and..."

"Was he faking it then?"

"... another stun. The ball bounces to the sideline as the half ends and the dwarves are successful in stopping the orcish drive."

(Halftime. Today on the Gigant-O-Tron various ads are played in rapid succession, up until someone hacks the broadcast and begins transmitting skaven porn. A "please stand by technical difficulties" message appears with the image of skaven sabotaging wires.)

Why ARE you drinking that stuff, Gorgaz? Shouldn't you be helping yourself to the orcs' beer supply?"

"After the last coach barfed in the barrel after eating one too many skaven? No thanks."

"You'd think rat flavoring would spice things up."

"Not after one of the minotaurs went and died in it. They used it to cart some mino off the pitch and he kicked the bucket right then and there."

"Come on, are you telling me an orc is afraid of consuming minotaur blood? Puts more hair on your chest."

"Have you ever seen me be afraid of anything?"

"That troll you slapped during the winter break?"

"... It was a nurgle warrior that did the killing."

"Oh, ok. Dare I ask what kind of bugs and sentient disease were crawling out of the corpse afterward?"

(Halftime Ends)

"And we're back, ready to hit the second half hopefully harder than that girly slapfight they called a first half."

"The orcs set up for a zone defense, leaving only three on the main line. They're not taking any chances as the dwarves come out onto the field drunker than when they started the match."

"Such a thing is possible? I thought they could barely stand before, what with all those stuns on the field the first half."

"After seeing the kind of booze those guys consume... anything is possible."

"There's the kickoff... and it's a high kick that Grunk Grogbooze rushes to catch. He fumbles and drops it and we're underway on the dwarven drive. The dwarves start by slapping the orcs again and the runners running to pick up their dropped mistake."

"The dwarves as a whole are a bunch of dropped mistakes..."

"A pass from runner to runner fails as Minecarver Martin moves to the backfield... whether he is bait or setting up for a pass, I don't know. The orcs are free to pick themselves up and go on the offensive."

"Nothing can be more offensive than you."

"Damn right."

"..."

"A BRAVE move by the goblin allows him to grab the ball, but he flubs the pass and is going to get PUNISHED, courtesy of Foe Hammer Frankie. The goblin is sent to the KO box while the runners try to get the ball, and Norman Grogbooze snatches it up and makes off with it.

"I doubt he'll get very far, the orcs hit back and have more than enough strength to push close and attempt a risky blitz to reach him."

"The orcs push close enough to set up a blitz as Normal... I mean Norman..."

"No dwarf is ever normal."

"... tries to escape the orcs. He gets knocked down and the ball knocked into the crowd of players on the field; a slugfest erupts over getting enough room to reach it. While the dwarves are a little close to the sidelines, with no angry frenzy-ers on Krushem they're not going to be able to do some crowdfeeding."

"Both the orcs and dwarves trade a few blows, as Foe Hammer Frankie goes down with his THIRD stun of the game... seriously, I think his skull might not be thick enough to qualify him as a dwarf."

"What would he qualify as? Beer taster? Miner? Can-Can Dancer?"

"Beast of Nurgle food."

"The orcs hit back, deciding to stall out for a while and run the clock down. If the orcs can't win, the dwarves won't either!"

"Or maybe they will! Flash Gordon picks up the ball and... just stands there in range of Norman Grogbooze. Rookie mistake, that. Block or no block, underestimating the dwarves is going to get you a fist in the gut and a foot in your mouth. Probably your own as they break it off at the ankle and shove it down your throat."

"The dwarves tighten the noose, and here comes Minecarver Martin trying a push-play into the hands of his fellow dwarves!"

"There he goes, trying to knock the ball carrier back into a pile of dwarves by the sideline. If he succeeds, the noose will be tight and there will be no escape from a dwarven beatdown."

"I'd like to tighten the noose around your scrawny neck."

"Gotta catch me first, greenskin."

"It doesn't help any, forcing Norman to hit instead... and THAT doesn't help either as the two groups surround each other fighting for pitch supremecy. If the orcs hit right here and here..."

(The orc highlights and circles some places on the monitor)

"Then off goes Flash for an easy score. The dwarves will never be able to catch him."

"Flash instead decides to pass the ball... but flubs it... and the ball bounces right to him, in three tackle zones no less! I think it likes him!"

"After all the skaven that ball has been exposed to, I wouldn't be surprised if it mutated and gained some actual sentience."

"Certainly it'd be smarter than the two teams on the field..."

"Agreed."

"The ball is loose, and there goes Grunk Grogbooze! He tears off like Nurgle himself was after him and grabs the ball... a few more steps and he'll have scored! Meanwhile The Hammer Juggler, lineman for the dwarves, smashes the lone orc in the backfield, sending him home for the match. The orcs can do very little other than stand up and attempt to get close, but the dwarves are too close and they can't match the positioning."

"We're in the closing moments as Grunk Grogbooze waltzes next to the end zone and stalls, letting the dwarves release their inner feelings on the orcs. Orcs left and right get displeasure expressed all over them in the form of fists and feet (and the occasional beer stein thrown by the fans) and Grunk showboats a little before Flash Gordon gets up and gets back in his face."

"The dwarves are not out of this one just yet, and... yup! THAT's what you get for showboating! A failed dodge on the attempted blitz leaves Grunk WIDE open for a knuckle-feeding by the orcs..."

"Knuckles, check. Feet, check. Heads, check. Dwarf go SPLAT!"

"It's a loose ball again and the dwarves don't have the range to finish the game off. We end the match on a 0-0 tie. Let this be a lesson: Don't ever stall. EVER. Even if the pitch is damned empty!"

"Foe Hammer Frankie is pushed aside, giving him the room he needs to attempt a last ditch hail mary play. He knocks some space free for Minecarver Martin to rush to the end zone and attempt to catch a pass."

"That pass isn't going to come. Grunk fails the dodge, falls down stunned... and that's the game, folks. A rather stale zero to zero on the scoreboard."

"Still ain't as stale as Grogbooze 'Beer.'"

(Gorgaz looks into his mug on the desk, swirls it around then dumps it out behind him. The beer splashes to the ground and begins to eat a hole in the floor.)

"Until next time, I'm Snot Sniffly, for the Craptastic Bash N' Break Corperation..."

"Sayin' I think I'm going to go dump some skaven warpstone acid into the dwarves' beer in their locker room. You wanna come along, Snot?"

"Why? It's not like that stuff will make their beer taste any less like troll vomit."

"You have a point. The dwarves'd be too drunk to notice."