"Welcome one and all again to another bloody good time on the Blood Bowl Pitch!"

"There may not be blood on the field yet but there's going to be a lot shed by the time this match is done..."

"... and probably twice as much in transfusions required to keep most of the players alive afterward!"

"I'm your host Snot Sniffly, god of all skinks..."

"You mean goddess. I've seen what you have in your wardrobe."

"What are you doing going through my clothes? My stuff doesn't fit you."

"I need some extra condoms for my... ahem, meetings with the Bloodweiser Babes. Your... special wear does nicely."

".........................."

(The orc flashes a toothy shit-eating grin.)

"For your tiny little..."

"Don't you even dare."

(Now it's the skink's turn to grin.)

"And I'm Gorgaz Toothfang, orc of many skills and many more conquests. We're here to bring you the play by play on the incoming match. Today we're in the Blackbox, where teams go to die, get raised, killed again, and raised by Nurgle's Rot into things much prettier than that thing over there."

(The orc hooks his thumb at Snot.)

"If I say what I'm thinking, I'm going to get plastered into the newsroom wall. So let's get on with the game!"

"Damn right I will. Today we're bringing you the matchup of the Fuzzy Pink Sheep Cult versus the Fat and the Furious, a team of ogres with their accompanying snotlings."

"The Fuzzy Pink Sheep Cult? Aren't they the ones that worship an alcoholic crosseyed pink sheep armed with a chainsaw?"

"We all have our hobbies, and no one said goblins were the smartest of beings."

"If you're looking for brains, you won't find any out there on THAT pitch. Or in here, come to think of it. Well, except for me, of course."

"..."

Team Fuzzy wins the toss and decides to receive, if only to get a score before the ogres smear them all over the ad boards on the side of the pitch."

"I dunno, they only seem to have THREE Ogres!"

"Interesting. Maybe a change of tactics is in order if the goblins can smash the ogres first!"

"With their armor? Not likely... That stuff is thicker than my skull."

"Your skull is so thick it has its own gravitational field."

(The orc rolls his eyes.)

"They've decided to holster their toys and keep them in reserve, as the ogres hang back and put snots on the line."

"Eh, they're snots, nothing will be missed if one or two get stepped on."

"And we're off! It's a quick snap as the goblin known as He-Who-Crafts-Nooses gets under the ball as it lands. Then they race up the left side as a goblin and snotling both go down and Captain Barf, one of the trolls, stupids out and stands there looking all dumb. Just as stupidly, the ogres charge into the goblins as one grabs the pogoer and tosses him aside. Fortunately he regains his momentum in the air and he doesn't fall over off his stick."

"While the snots get into position, Captain Puke, the other troll, ALSO stupids out as the goblins try to race under the legs of the ogres. This works relatively well until the pogoer, simply called Up Up And Away... fails a leap and almost drives his pogostick up his own ass. The ball carrier is now wide open and the Shedder, one of the goblins, goes flying off the pitch and knocked out while the Shearer, another goblin, is sent home to his mommy in a Badly Hurt box. Nothing more fun than splattering goblins ladies and gentleorcs. Except maybe splattering this guy at halftime."

(The orc hooks his thumb at Snot again. The skink just flips him off.)

"Captain Puke punches an ogre as He-Who-Crafts-Nooses bolts for the end zone, but the snotlings are catching up and don't hesitate to be sacrificial in order to surround the ball carrier and make his day difficult. The goblins try to kick the snotlings around afterward but fail, they're just too small to be injured."

"Or missed."

"Like you?"

"Shaddap."

"He-Who-Crafts-Nooses bolts for the endzone with two snotlings hot on his tail, and BOOM comes the quick score, with the Cult up 1-0 at the halfway point of the first half. The coach of the goblins decides to keep the weapons in reserve still... but if they lose any more goblins than this, they'll HAVE to bring them out early."

"If the tools come out prematurely..."

"Like your premature ej..."

"Do NOT even finish that sentence, lizard."

"It's a deep, far kick into the goal line, where it bounces into the stands for a touchback. An ogre... which one is he, they all look alike?"

"Your guess is as good as mine..."

(The orc studies the rosters. Someone put the same image on all three ogres' bios.)

"... An ogre receives the ball as the other two go on the line to beat down the goblins. A goblin known as Sheep In Wolf's Clothing is sent flying out of the game at high velocity..."

"Never high enough if you ask me..."

"... Which means that if they hurt enough right before the end of the half and score, no tools or toys will be available to the goblins for the second half of the match."

"Captain Puke punches a snotling, but can only get a push as Captain Barf punches an ogre instead and both fall down hard. One of the ogres winds up a throw with the ballcarrier, but the throw fails and splatters the snotling into a stain on the astroturf. The ball is loose, then... oh wow, then the ball bounces RIGHT INTO THE OTHER OGRE'S HANDS!" The goblins scramble to do something... ANYTHING useful as the pogoer Up Up And Away goes to block the ogre's path."

(Both wince as the pogoer fails the leap.)

"That looked painful."

"You think? Stunty isn't a gods given gift."

"Tell that to Nuffle."

"The Ledge Leaper, another goblin, has his hand smashed by an ogre as Up Up And Away is knocked out and the snotlings go to work on the goblins. How often do you see THAT? They're dogpiling the poor creatures."

"Poor is not the word I'd use. Where do they buy all their toys all the time?"

"The skaven, probably."

"That'd explain how badly they suck."

"The goblins, or the skaven?"

"Both, and you know it."

"The goblins get desperate and a troll throws a goblin much to the delight of the crowd as he aims for the ball carrier. He hits an ogre instead full in the head and stuns him with little damage to the goblin, then an ANGRY Captain Barf charges a snotling intent on squishing him under his foot. That little snotling is going to be remembered briefly as a brave little man who stood up to the charge of a rampaging troll, and..."

(Both wince, harder this time as the snotling throws the troll instead. A triple skull graphic shows up on the monitor, representing the troll's luck.)

"Nobody told me those snotlings were training in mixed martial arts! Holy snotboogers! Did you see that?!"

"The crowd is silent in shock as the troll goes down, but remains unhurt... well, for the most part, since there is nothing in their heads and their bodies regenerate."

"I thought they were silent because no one came to watch the game."

"They almost hold off the ogres scoring, and manage to hold on to their toys for the second half as an ogre lumbers in for a 1-1 game. Time for the goblins to step up a 2-1 grind."

(Halftime. Today on the Gigant-O-Tron are several ads for Ramen Noodles with the admonishment to "Buy More Food for Brainpower! You need it, you morons!")

"Ramen Noodles? I didn't know they were sold around here! They're my favorite. Aside from the blood of warriors on the battlefield, that is."

"I didn't know Ramen Noodles were classified as uh, you know, food. Can't be much worse than the skaven remains at the concession stands..."

"Hey, ramen is good! Would you rather I eat you like a troll eating a goblin out there?"

"I'm high in fat. I'd give you a heart attack and then we'd be without two legends."

"You mean one. Me."

"You can count to one?"

(The orc looks into the camera, mugging for it.)

"And then there's this asshole."

(The cameras turn back on.)

"A riot breaks out as the second half is underway, and the goblins prepare to kick. Now the kid goblin gloves come off, and now the toys come out. The goblins are ANGRY and it is showing, with Growlgnash the Mad, Spongebomb No-Pants, and The Political Spin coming out to play. Wait."

(The skink checks the rosters.)

"According to this thing..."

"You're an idiot?"

"... That ogre has sure hands, that's going to make... yep, all the difference. The Abominable Snowman picks up the ball and it will be up to the chainsawer to knock him down off his feet."

"By cutting him apart at the knees, of course, because that's all the stupid thing can reach!"

"Or not! Look at that! The Political Spin swings his ball and chain and goes all the way, reaching out and touching the ogre inappropriately. That goblin has balls, ladies and gentleskinks!"

"Balls bigger than mine, I might add! That ogre is going to get up and FEED him that ball and chain!"

"It doesn't take a goblin to have bigger balls than you."

"I walked into that one."

"Like the way you walk into trees after a night out drinking?"

"..."

"The Shedder KOs a snotling as goblins race down to the wide open ball handler and there goes Growlgnash The Mad! ... ... ... nope! No good! The chainsaw locked up and kicked back on him and he is down, stunned! Wow, Nuffle has certainly picked his favorite today, and it isn't the goblins! The ogres swarm the ball and chain, and punch him back to the locker room as they scramble to get the ball, and the goblins on the other hand don't know if they're coming or going... and there they go with another goblin toss."

"The goblin reaches the ball as the chainsawer is ignored, and yet another goblin calling himself the Donkey Kicker is out of the game as he's pulverized and sent to the sidelines. Yet another goblin, Little Miss Ewe, joins him as she trips and fails, then a THIRD goblin, Mr. Ramhorns, is knocked down by an ogre and is down and out."

"With little that can be done, the goblin bomber sneaks close but hasn't thrown a bomb all match. We're at the halfway spot of the second half and he's just standing there, inching forward like a skaven assassin sneaking in for the kill. Growlgnash The Mad gets up and slams down a snotling next to the ball, unfortunately he is ogre territory as Captain Barf tries to eat a goblin instead of throw him like was intended."

"The Shedder fails to dodge and the snotlings are back on the move, and an ogre pulverizes Growlgnash The Mad, sending the chainsaw RIGHT into his skull."

"That's going to leave worse than a skid mark."

"Nothing in that head to lose, though."

"A failed pickup means the bomber sees his chance and he RUNS for the ball, then hides behind Captain Barf though he is not far enough away from an ogre to get splattered very short-- yup, there it is. The newest goblin to bear the mantle of Spongebomb No-Pants... fifth in the progression line but the first in this team, I think... is sent to the locker room face first with the rest of the goblins. Captain Puke is pushed and grabbed backward as the Snotlings surround the ball, pick it up, dodge out and run away laughing."

"At you or the trolls?"

"Do you need to ask?"

"The pogoer fails to leap making him zero for four this game, a goblin is stunned and it's all over but the snottening."

"Well, up until that last failed handoff in the backfield of the goblins to leave the game at a 1-1 tie as Captain Barf brings down a troll."

"That's the game folks. Goblins vs ogres, and they managed to hold them off. Maybe next time they won't be so brash."

"Or unlucky. That judo throw by that one snotling... wow."

"Yeah, those snotlings are going places rather than being mistaken for the ball, if the ogres know what's good for them!"

"This is Snot Sniffly and Gorgaz Toothfang, for the Craptastic Bash N' Break Corp'ration..."

"I am going to go hunt down that snotling. I thought I'd seen everything in my days on the pitch, but never an incident like that. I wanna shake his hand."

"Try not to break it."

(The orc sounds genuinely impressed.)

"I think he'd break ME after that little stunt."

(The skink's eyebrows raise in surprise as the credits roll.)

-((My god, Nuffle did NOT bless my dice. Sneezed on them, maybe. Then that ball bounce to the ogre and catch. I should have had this, easily. Only 3 ogres? But no, Nuffle had to do all this silly stuff and make it tough. Had to fire the looney and grab a new one, I don't want a -AV this early.))-