"Welcome one and welcome all to the qualifying round of the Crown of Sand!"

"We're here at the Crown of Sand qualifiers to bring you the luck of the draw, the luck of the ball, and the dumb luck of the lizards!"

"Or bad dumb luck, you might say, seeing they got drawn against one of the toughest teams in the entire tournament!"

"Don't you mean drawn and quartered?"

"They'll be lucky to have that much left after this match is over."

"I'm Gorgaz Toothfang, here with Snot Sniffly bringing you the play by play. The lizards known as the Omegatani Punchfist face off against the elves of Madness to the Method, who are leaps (without Leap skill), bounds (without +MA), and skills (multiples where the Sauri have only Block) above the lizards."

"That's right, Gorgaz. Team captain Rat Chomper has his prehensile tail cut out for him against the dodgy tactics of the elves, and the rest of his lizards, well... don't have much else."

"Including braincells. Your IQ is higher than theirs combined, and that's still dumber than the average necromantical zombie!"

"..."

"Both teams look well rested and ready to do some serious maimery and dismemberment out there. The fans seem to be behind the elves, however, and that might actually be a factor, depending on what else happens. I don't know about you, but all these elves in one place makes me think we're going to have a tree-hugger convention break out at any moment."

"Both teams are wasting no time today as they hit the pitch and prepare to call the coin."

"Hitting the pitch nothing, they're going to be hitting each other very soon."

"Or in the case of the lizards, hitting themselves. Probably for kills."

"You REALLY don't have any faith in your bretheren out there today, do you?"

"Look at it this way. It's survival of the fittest in its purest form; their ruination will mean the species gets smarter as a whole."

"But not by very much."

"Well, you can't win them all, can you? Or in your case, you can't win any of them, given last night's gambling hour..."

"The Omegatani Punchfist have pulled out all the stops, using the inducement money given to their coach..."

"You mean bribed to him, I believe..."

"... to purchase a wizard, an apothecary, a bit of extra luck from a wandering shaman, and a hopefully well-placed bribe."

"No star players or a halfling chef? Risky, leaving the elves with multiple potential outcomes like that..."

"Yeah, but if the chefs forget to cook properly or they use human or god forbid nurgle chefs instead of halfling chefs, then the lizards have nothing to wield against the might of the tree-huggers."

"You're assuming they had anything to begin with, given how different the two teams are, experience-wise."

"The coin is in the air, there's the call... and the elves win the toss and elect to receive today on a clear day here at the blood bowl pitch. If the elves manage to do some damage on this first drive, it will be over before it even begins."

"The two teams set up, the elves ignoring the middle of the pitch for favoring wiping out the flanks instead. If it's a blitz, they're going to suffer."

"It's not. There's the kickoff, and a last minute shouted play by Coach Aegis allows the Omegatani Punchfist to come out with a little brilliant coaching."

"The elves immediately assault both wide zones as the ones in the backfield approach the ball, and the match is on! The Slam Slammer is immediately KOed and they send their receivers up and alongside the wide zones so as to have multiple chances at passing."

"The lizards respond by moving back to cover them, and X'cher The Enraged charges at one of the elves. There's the punch and..."

(Both broadcasters wince. Doubleskull, reroll, doubleskull, first block of the game for the sauri.)

"You were saying they had a chance, greenskin?"

"Uhhh..."

"Without a care in the world they knock aside the South Wind immediately and go to loiter by the goal line. By the time this match is over there will be no one left on the field."

"Or in the stands, judging from the look of things."

"Not to be outdone, the skinks team up and THERE'S THE BLITZ!"

"No good, they pushed him along the sideline. The elves see the lizards are intelligent, and that just makes them mad!"

"The skilled elves tackle down the skinks but can't get around them as the sauri begin to hit... and fail once again to make a mark."

"One lizard overextends himself and the rest of the elves SURROUND the skinks, cornering them in the corner of the field. Your fellow skinks are about to learn a little surfing lesson."

"It's one I wish they'd learn by witnessing OTHERS get surfed."

"The rest of the elves ignore the skinks in the corner as Team Captain Rat Chomper winds up his fist and prepares to break loose."

"A rookie line elf falls down hard as the big kroxigor moves next to the ballcarrier and the skinks need to do something FAST or they're going to get hurt."

"They can't do much when they're failing to push themselves like that. They have the grace and dexterity of a bunch of corpses... INANIMATE corpses."

"I have to agree with you there as the Trade Wind is surfed and the big Kroxigor is swatted aside like a fly. Coach Aegis calls on the firepower of the wizard to burn the elves where they stand...

"The Elves dodge it with their eyes closed, with only one minor stun!"

"This from a coach who considers himself a wizard himself, specializing in "all that burns or is wet?"

"He's all wet, if you ask me."

"Team Captain Rat Chomper blitzes the ball carrier but is knocked into the sideline and a hit by another elf sends him into the stands."

"That positioning. That beautiful surfing positioning.

"We're in the closing moments of the first half as the elves surf first a skink and thenthe Kroxigor, leading to a score by Madness to the Method by "Fava less a nice Chianti."

Boy, doesn't THAT name go around on the tongue."

"There's the kickoff, and both teams seem to be listening to the play ideas of their respective coaches, allowing for brilliant coaching."

Team Captain Rat Chomper charges forward, sending home Sun's Up Too Soon with a smashed ankle, and the lizards get up close and personal with the elves."

"A bit too close, if you ask me..."

"With the skinks at the rear to pick up any dropped balls from The South Wind..."

"Not with those bounces! The ball lands surrounded by elves in the LEAST wanted space possible!"

"Team Captain Rat Chomper stands around stupidly as the rest of the sauri charge close to the ball but can't seem to make a dent... and the ball bounces WORSE this time around to land in three elf tacklezones! With Team Captain Rat Chomper mentally out to lunch, the elves smash down the skinks... first the apothecary heals one, and the other is sent off badly hurt."

"Fortunately, the whistle blows and we're at halftime before the elves can score again."

(Halftime. The Gigant-O-Tron is cycling through a highlight reel of the best plays of the half, while a cameraman is filming the crowd which is visible as a video-within-the-video. A Stormvermin punches the camera out and the smaller video goes to static.)

"It looks to me like the lizards are just getting manhandled... er, elf-handled out there."

"You're not the only one who probably wants to play another round of solitaire at this point."

"All the cards in the world won't sate my boredom. Maybe I should throw you down on the pitch and you can show them how a star plays the game."

"And get slaughtered by the elf team? No thanks. Even if the Omegatani Punchfist learn something, they'll forget it a few seconds later, I'm sure. If they had any spectacular ideas or plays this game, they would have already used them. They're just not cut out for tournament material... yet."

"Yet?"

"Get a team fat on enough MVPs and anyone can become dangerous... even you."

"..."

(Halftime ends.)

"And we are back for round two of the pummeling, the pounding, and the beatdown of what lizards are left over from the massacre of the first half."

"That's right, and at this rate they won't last until the middle of the second half, much less the end of the game."

"The lizards quickly set up to receive the ball and at least try to make one score before time expires. It looks like they're primping up The Trade Wind to receive, since he seems to have grown into a "star scorer" role. He scored 3 touchdowns one match, so I can see why they want to focus on him."

"They couldn't focus a lens, much less a thought or on a skink in particular, we all look the same to them."

"The same way you all look the same amount of stupid to me."

"..."

"Yeah, you're right, that sounded better in my head."

"Did you like the sound of that single thought echoing around in your head, greenskin?"

(The orc just rolls his eyes.)

"There's the kickoff, and the elves sneak their players around while the lizard men watch the ball soar through the air. Now they have a "perfect" defense to deal with."

"Brave and bold, the elves get right up in the lizards' faces, hoping for the luck that plagued them in the first half to follow them in the second."

"At least it will stop them from moving foward, throwing all those blocks."

"Team Captain Rat Chomper AGAIN stands there slack jawed and drooling while the skinks try to pick up the slack and X'cher the Enraged attempts to slam down an elf to begin the drive."

"That wasn't a slam. That... was a slap. A girly slap. The elves advance, ready to finish the job they started of skink-hunting. Fava Less A Nice Chanti assaults The South Wind and knocks him to the side while the ball sails close to a pair of sauri, so there's at least SOME defense going on."

"The best defense is a good offense, and here comes X'cher the Enraged..."

(ain't happening: fifth doubleskull of the game, the second of the dreaded doubleskull-reroll-doubleskull "doubleskull-itis" disease)

"And there GOES X'cher The Enraged. Facefirst into the ground!"

"Frenzy without a defense is a dangerous thing... and the elf known as Deouf Runs Wild grabs the ball and runs off with it while another skink is sent to the KO Box."

"This team is going to need a P.O. Box to avoid the wrath of the fans after this match!"

"And the saurus known as The Apothecary makes a run for the ball carrier! Calling it now, tripping on his tail in three, two..."

"Six and seven fourteenths..."

"Called it. Splat. Off he goes to the KO box and Deouf is free to score. Although I think they'll loiter around again like last time so as to run down the clock."

The rest of the elves focus on bringing down the rest of the lizards, leaving them powerless on the line of scrimmage, with all of them down. At the midpoint of the second half here, the North Wind is a BRAVE little Skink as he goes out alone against the ball carrier and his safety. Team Captain Rat Chomper isn't afraid to start to get close, though, and some of the other elves move to cut off his approach. The Lord of Fleas is badly hurt and Coach Aegis uses his other apothecary, apparently for his own amusement, while the elves begin to dance up and down the endzone in the lizards' backfield."

"If that's dancing, then I'm an orc."

"You do look a little green around the gills."

"Team Captain Rat Chomper stands there looking at what appears to be a butterfly flitting over the field while the North Wind goes right up to Deouf and insults his mother straight to his face. He's sent flying into the crowd and what remains of the team begin to approach. The elves aren't having any of it and will take on all comers!"

"And there GO all comers! The rest of the skinks are sent into the crowd as Fava scores the second touchdown of the match. That's it, the lizards can't capitalize and are OUT of the Crown of Sand!"

"And you're surprised about this how, greenskin?"

"It's all over but the skinning of the lizard scales as there's a last couple of plays available to the lizards in order to at least score once."

"They score less often than you do with women, Gorgaz."

"There's the kick as the skinks return to the pitch, and it's a streaker on the field! The streaker eats up the clock as the arena security chase him down and subdue him with a well placed dark elf shiv to the back of the neck."

"I don't know what's more upsetting, this lizard team, or that naked nurgle chaos warrior we just witnessed!"

"Have a bit of... envy, do we?"

"How? It was so rotted there, it looked like it'd fallen off years ago. Much like yours."

"..."

"The South Wind grabs the ball and prepares to make a long-ass haul for the end zone, trying to at least bring some honor to the team. The elves aren't having it, focusing down one sauri and leaving him with a lot of trouble if he wants to edge past them."

"Edge past who? Look at him run!"

"Oooh, had not expected that. A nice fake out has The South Wind running for The Slam Slammer, deep in the elf backfield. An attempted hando-- nope, he tripped on his tail and he is out for the match!"

(Snot slowly facepalms, slowly exhaling and shaking his head.)

"With the ball loose, the Slam Slammer can only hope to try to reach for it while the elves surround it. It's no good as the elves quickly scoop it up before he can, and run off to make a long pass into an empty lizard man backfield. The elf known as Broken, Can't Fxiii catches it with one hand, plays hackey sack with it with both feet, and waltzes into the end zone to end the game on a 3-0 loss for the lizards."

"Could have been worse, I suppose. It was luckily an injury free match. Both the elves and the lizards come out mostly unscathed, and perhaps next year when they're better... they'll have another shot at the Crown of Sand."

"If they're still ALIVE, that is!"

"Trust me, if Coach Aegis doesn't kill them for that abysmal showing, I will."

"You? A blitzer?"

"I've been known to hit a few... shall we say, targets, in my day."

"Besides the women?"

"No, no, that's your department. One troll isn't going to stop you from..."

"Ok, ok, shaddap."

"This is Snot Sniffly and Gorgaz Toothfang for the Craptastic Bash N' Break Corperation, saying come back next time when things should be more interesting. At least more interesting than watching an orc babble over here for hours on end."

"At least I made more sense than most of that coach's plays!"

"It's still more sense than you'll see in a lifetime, greenskin."