"Welcome back to the Blood Bowl pitch, ladies and gentlemen, where today the field of green will be renamed the field of red after the bodies are carted off and the bloodstains don't entirely wash out."

"Exactly right, Gorgaz. I'm Snot Sniffly, here with Gorgaz Toothfang to bring you the play by play of the lizards of the Mezozoic Meatgrinder versus the Norsemen of Norsemen United. The lizards brought some Magic Gloves with them today, hoping to catch any passes they can."

"Norsemen? Passing? The concept is as foreign to them as a good round of bathing."

"It's a dangerous thing, blocking skill meeting no blocking skill at all, and the lizards win the coin toss and will receive with not a cloud in the sky."

"This Norse team is funny. I don't see a single positional out there. They're all linemen. No Ulfwerners, no Berserkers, not even a runner!"

"And there's the kickoff to the lizards; the drive is underway!"

"It's a high kick and the... kroxigor Sir Steelbones goes to get it?"

"Presumably for laughs, I suppose..."

"The sauri proceed to knock down some of the beer guzzlers but The Chewy Center drops the ball and the Norsemen get to advance."

"The Swamp Water Scab is blitzed into oblivion, sent back to the locker room in pain for the match as a failed dodge by the norsemen allow the lizards to move. They can't seem to pick up the ball on their second attempt, and as the sauri are punched all over the field the norsemen run into the lizards' backfield intent on an early score."

There goes one Norseman, then another and another... it's a field of beer for the Norsemen and a field of broken dreams for the lizards if they don't pick up their game RIGHT NOW and get that ball."

"It's a bloodbath out there as the Norse offense gets offensive with The Dragon's Sneeze knocked out, the Enraged Ragebreaker fouled out, and the skink known as He Who Outruns Rats with a shattered skull while the Kroxigor known as Sir Steelbones forgets why he exists for the moment. This allows several Norsemen to crowd the ball more than women crowding me at an autograph signing."

"You? Get the ladies?"

(The skink holds up an autographed picture of some kind of amazon porn star.)

"Gimme that! Wait a minute..."

"The norsemen get the ball, laying deep in the lizard end zone as the skinks fail three times in a row to pick it up. The kroxigor remembers its reason for existing but is blitzed out of the way before he can act, and the norsemen score 1-0 as we hit the middle of the first half."

"... how would she... I mean you aren't the prett... Gah."

(Gorgaz throws the picture over his shoulder and goes back to calling the match.)

"Second kickoff incoming, and... some brilliant coaching allows the plan for a picture perfect kick right to the -corner- of the pitch. Absolutely picture perfect, and the lizards are left SCRAMBLING to run to get to the ball. They won't reach it early on, and the sauri attempt to block and fail miserably. With that, the Norsemen begin to march singing the most off-tune and out of key beer song I've ever heard!"

"That's right, that song, whatever it is, should be classified as an atrocity and a war crime. And a vicious insult to dwarven manhood everywhere, let alone Norse manhood."

"I don't think some of those men out there on the pitch are men, though I can't tell because of the beards."

"They're not dwarves but if they get hit by the sauri hard enough they might end UP being dwarves..."

"The Norsemen dance around the Sauri and begin to set up to hit back if they get hit first, then the skinks fail again to pick up the ball. The Norse begin to MASH the sauri into the ground to clear a path, and... two go down, one gets surrounded by six valkyrie wannabes, and..."

(a three die block on a saurus knocks him down and he gets fouled)

"... wow, the norsemen are really taking no prisoners. Out goes Sniffs-Deep-Water for a knockout, and if the two skinks left fail to pick up the ball at this point, the norsemen are going to reach a point the lizards can't rally from."

"... ... no good, the pickup fails and the norsemen block possession of the ball as Sir Steelbones stands there stupidly instead of blitzing like his coach screams at him to. Another foul sends out Clayshaper Vlad, one of the sauri, and he is out for the match."

"Without any chance of scoring the rest of the lizards can only hit..."

(a sauri trips on a go for it during an attempted blitz)

"... Or not. The rest of the Norsemen capitalize on this downed sauri and foul him to the ends of the earth then the Norsemen slowly slip into the end zone for a 2-0 lead as they're receiving for the second half."

(Halftime. Today on the Gigant-O-Tron there are various selfies of people in the fans, from a beast of nurgle downing three bags of popcorn at once to an orc proposing to a halfling and getting a soup cauldron shoved down his throat in answer. The follow-up kick sends the orc bouncing down the arena stairs onto the pitch for a kill.)

"Is it just me, or does Nuffle reaaaaaaally hate this lizard team? I haven't seen a bad move yet...

"As opposed to all the bad moves in your career? Such as breathing, thinking, existing..."

"... they're just getting schooled on the actual action. They know their strategy, but can't build up a good head of aggression."

"Maybe if they learned to block it would be easier."

"Or maybe if they studied ther playbook they'd see the DON'T DRINK THE NORSE BEER in big bold letters."

"That would mean they'd need to read the playbook first, cover to cover, with pretty pictures for inspiration."

"Sauri can read?"

"Certainly the ones out there on the pitch can't..."

(Halftime ends.)

"And we're back for the second half. Left on the lizards are three sauri, the kroxigor and two skinks."

"The Magic Gloves of Jark Longarm are given to one of the skinks, for the fat lot of good it will do... as The Dragon's Sneeze goes down with a damaged back and the other two sauri are mobbed. The skinks don't care at this point and off they go to try to fearlessly snag the ball while it lies in two tacklezones. The Crunchy One made it... (just barely), and...

"... nope, the Chewy Center gets flattened on the first dodge through the line of scrimmage. As a sauri attempts to laughably dodge and chase down the ball carrier because what do they have to lose at this point (and failing at that too), the Norsemen score a third time, leaving the lizards in the dust. The coach is seen there on camera 3 praying and begging at a shrine to Nuffle."

"All the praying in the world isn't going to fix this team as the norsemen open their playbook and set up a picture Perfect Defense on the kickoff as we reach the second half of the second half, meaning the torture of my poor bretheren is coming to an end."

"I dunno, it looks like the coach is getting the firing squad ready."

"For himself, or the no-talent team he's stuck with?"

"Probably both. I can just feel Nuffle laughing at him."

"The Norse are spreading out to wash over the remaining sauri like a wave, leaving the lizards on the line of scrimmage wide open to blitz through the giant hole."

(First block of turn 4, 5, and 6: both down with no block on the sauri.)

"Blitz? You mean fall over horribly."

"The norsemen surround the ball (and the sauri left), and... and..."

(He looks over at Gorgaz, who is playing solitare on the computer next to the monitors. He is completely disinterested in the game at this point, ignoring the monitor.)

"And... uh..."

(The skink looks back at the monitor, where the rest of the lizards are down on the job, down with injuries, or completely down and out. Multiple 1s in a row, from blocks to skink dodges, mean the lizards have zero-to-negative chances of doing anything. He throws the papers in his hands up and over himself in a showy display of "Screw this, we're done." and comically shrugs at the camera.)

"... Yeah. Play the red amazon on the black orc."

"I know how to play this, y'know."

"I thought you only knew how to play with yours--"

"Don't even go there, skink. Don't even go there."

(The rest of the match is completely uninteresting. The Norse win 4-0 for a total of 19 SPP to the lizards' 0 SPP. The loss is not due to bad strategy; oh my Nuffle how many 1s can be rolled in one match!?)