"Hello everyone, and welcome back to the Blood Bowl pitch, where I, Snot Sniffly, your skink-of-the-century, will be bringing play by play alongside my partner Gorgaz Toothfang. Who, by chance, can now count to fifteen!"

"Is that before, or after the other fourteen ass-kickings I give you after the match?"

"We're out of the Blackbox for once, back into the ranked world of hits, hitters, and the hittest of hitters. For today's match, it appears that the rats of Chewy Rat Soup have challenged a more-skilled group of their worst enemies, the dwarves! Their opponents are the dwarves of a team called 'Noob!!', which seems to have random jumbles of letters for their player names."

"The only random jumbles here are what's going to be left of the rats' corpses after the dwarves paste them into the ground like the vermin they are!"

"With their fists, or beer breath?"

"Both, probably."

"The dwarves win the toss and choose to receive on this clear day on the blood bowl pitch."

"...wait, what's that?"

"It looks like the rats have brought some goodies to the game, and are painting a series of exploding runes on what appears to be a journeyman linerat. They give him a bag of bombs... wait, where did they get a bag of bombs?"

"I saw the goblin locker room open. I think one of the gutters ran down and snitched a spare bag."

"The dwarves set up, outnumbering the minor amounts of rats on the line of scrimmage. This is gonna be painful to watch."

"Only slightly less painful than the beer steins the dwarves use for punching gloves on their uniforms."

"The rats kick off to midfield, with some brilliant coaching adding just a little bit of luck that pays off. The dwarves can only push the rats around quite a bit and damage is only slight until the dwarf trollslayer known as "XXX" assaults The Ratfaced Ratfink, KOing him. The dwarves surround The Bladed Blade, the rats' ratogre, making sure he can't hit back."

"Well, he CAN hit, but whether that hit will do anything to the dwarven skulls is a matter of speculation and physics theory."

"Neither of which you're good at."

"..."

"After knocking him down Team Captain Toilet Fingers plays bait as Horns On His Tail sneaks up from nowhere and charges, knocking the ball immediately loose using those new horns on his head to good effect. Ridge Runner rushes up and grabs the ball, steps on his tail trying to go for it... and wisely halts before he falls over. I don't know which is worse. Being alone with no defense against some slavering psychopathic dwarves, or constantly stepping on one's tail every single attempt to go further."

"Mister Tetris, Stormvermin for the Chewy Rat Soup, tries a risky block... and gets slapped silly like the little girl he is."

"You're still more girly than he is."

"Multiple dwarves are open, and Ridge Runner is expectedly splattered across the pitch in the dwarves' quest for the ball."

"Splattered? that wasn't a splatter, that was a full blown blood flood!"

(The skink looks proud of himself for thinking that one up. Gorgaz just rolls his eyes.)

"The dwarves begin to hit back. The Party Pooper, thrower for the rats, is knocked out while The Iron Steelfist, Stormvermin, is sent home to his mother for the match badly hurt. The dwarves surround the ball, forcing the rats to use Horns On His Tail's horns once again to knock a dwarf onto the ball, in an attempt to make it scatter to a better position for collection. This Chewy Rat Soup needs more Big Hand brand flavoring."

"It also needs more brain cells, but you don't have any to spare."

"..."

"The ploy fails and The Bladed Blade blitzes yet another dwarf onto the ball, where it scatters to a place guarded by FOUR dwarves, and then a hit into the ball from another linerat knocks it into only a minorly-lesser problem spot. The rats are left against the ropes and not surprisingly, the dwarves go right up to the gutter runners and smack them around for daring to get too close to the ball."

"And their beards."

"Have you seen what they did to the LAST team that made fun of their beards?"

"Did they ever find all the pieces?"

"Of the team, or the dwarves that were led into a room filled with alcohol fumes?"

"That's not going to kill them."

"The explosion from the rat ogre lighting a fart did."

"..."

"Horns On His Tail is KOed, both Sewer Sniffer and Toilet Fingers are knocked down, and the dwarves completely surround the ball on the line of scrimmage, and we're not even in the midpoint of the first half. The rest of the dwarves surround the rat ogre and punch him down; when a team with block meets one with no block, block wins."

"Toilet fingers plays bait, a risky thing to do with dwarves..."

"Well, yeah, the other gutters are surrounded by no less than 5 dwarves!"

"The rat ogre gets up next to the ball and a bomb toss by the loner rat misses widely. The explosion hits YYY, the other trollslayer. Where do these dwarves come up with these names?"

"They're dwarves, they're more unoriginal than you are."

"Hey, I have a PHD in kickass-ology."

"Probably because hitting is the only thing you know HOW to do."

"And I do it damn well, too. Wanna see?

(The orc punches his fist with one hand, grunting like some manly human.)

"..."

"Ridge Runner sneaks close to the ball, but dwarves knock him down. Toilet Fingers goes down KOed, leaving only two gutters left on the field. With the rat ogre surrounded by 5 dwarves, he's puished into another block positon and the rest of the dwarves go to knock HIM down before focusing on the ball again."

"Halfway of the half and the Bladed Blade lies prone on the pitch stunned while the ball remains on the line of scrimmage. The rest of the rats are also stunned, leaving the coach no choice but to some positioning and wait while they come 'round for another round of beatings."

"With the dwarves all clunched together like that, this is a prime time for their bomb tosser to hit a LOT... except that rat's a loner. WHY did they give HIM the bombs?"

"Because when he blows himself up no one will miss him... no wait, he throws the bomb and it's CAUGHT! An accurate pass allows one of the dwarves to catch... but instead of aiming for a target he wisely throws the bomb away even though a nearby gutter tried to intercept. The game continues."

"The mad loner bomber is KOed, removing him from the game, and the dwarves slowly march to victory over the rest of the uninteresting half. Typical dwarves... cage, slowly move up, cage again, watch the rat ogre fall over by tripping over his tail on a frenzy, watch the trollslayers squish gutter runners, etc etc etc."

"That's right, it's less interesting than watching paint dry, ogres drool or certainly Gorgaz trying to have an original thought in his skull."

"..."

"The dwarves score in the closing seconds aftere having a leisurely drink-off on the goal line for several minutes leaving a 8 vs 11 war in the dwarves' favor on the rats' drive. The loner rat has his bombs shoved down his throat by the sideline assistant coaches and, to the cheers of the crowd, is launched up against the Gigant-O-Tron headfirst after being strapped into a giant sling."

(The loner rat explodes on impact, showering the fans with body parts.)

"That was the biggest hit all game, the way he exploded when he hit, splattering all over the freshly-cleaned screens!"

(It's halftime. Gorgaz leaves the room only to come back a few minutes later his arms full of chocolate, popcorn drenched in what appears to be brown grease, and candy that looks several centuries old.)

"You want some, Snot? They had a special in a new "create your own mix" bowl in one of the side rooms they recently built onto the locker rooms."

(The skink takes one sniff, holds his nose and shakes his head while resisting the urge to laugh.)

"Oh well, more for me."

(He pops some chocolate into his mouth.)

"Uh... Gorgaz... heh..."

(Outside, a sign over a doorway reading "FREE FOOD FOR ORCS" in poor spraypainted handwriting falls off as the tape holding it up is too poor quality to keep it in place. The sign under it reads "BIG GUY BATHROOM")

"That's... not chocolate."

(Gorgaz just looks at the popcorn, popping a few more into his mouth.)

"Whaddya mean it's not chocolate?"

"The last person to... heh heh... 'use' that room... heh... was the Bladed Blade, last I looked."

"You mean it wasn't a free buffet in that central bo--"

(He looks down at his armful of "chocolate", melting in his arms. Only now does he smell it. Snot flashes him a shit-eating grin.)

"WHY YOU LITTLE--! C'MERE YOU DRAGON REJECT! I'LL SKIN YOU and have your fangs and claws as DECORATION!"

(The skink grins, jumping out of his seat and running up to the camera, looking right into it and crossing his eyes with a goofy expression before running as fast as his legs can carry him.)

"Toilet humor, ladies and gentlemen. Still funnier, and prettier-smelling, than my partner over here!"

"YOU FILTHY SKINK! C'MERE!"

(Snot parkours up and down the walls of the newsroom, dodging the orc as best he can.)

"Who's the filthy one... look at your arms!"

(The orc Diving Tackles the skink into a corner and just as he's about to bash the reptile's head in, halftime ends and the cameras quickly turn back on. The two dash to their seats. Gorgaz tries to wipe the stains off his outfit with a rag.)

"Now then... heh heh... second half's kick is middle of the field as what's left of the rats hits the small group of three on the LOS. It's nothing to write home about as the Party Pooper picks up the ball and is assisted by what rats are available."

"The dwarves push the rats around (I'm going to kill you), sending Ridge Runner through quite a bit of pushes (kill you over and over again) before he is finally brought down stunned... and look at that, the rat ogre is surrounded by seven dwarves (kill you so dead necromancers can't raise you). Does that make him snow white?"

"He'll be in the white walls of the infirmary if he doesn't do something, fast."

"And there he goes! Blitzing out against all odds... and then of course he trips on his tail. These rats have GOT to stop doing that! The tail is NOT part of an effective battle strategy!"

"Or a complete breakfast, given the dwarves are going to feed them their tails in a moment."

"Nah, I think the dwarves are letting the fans do that for them, as Ridge Runner is pushed into the crowd on a failed attempt to hide among the sidelines."

"The Party Pooper, thrower for the linerats, has no choice but to blitz through and attempt to escape the dwarves as he's chased up the sideline. There he goes, one fist on the ball and another in a dwarf runner's face... and..."

"No good, it's only a push. Does he dodge between two dwarves, or around a dwarf three times?"

"Looks like he's going for the latter against all odds. There's the first dodge... there's the second... slinking his ratty self like it was no problem... and he isn't even a gutter runner!"

"He's broken free! He's running for it... he's within range of the endzone. Does he attempt to push himself and go all the way!?"

(Snot is excitedly standing on the newsdesk looking at a monitor while Gorgaz is looking the other way at another monitor, completely missing a chance to grab the skink by his tail and throw him out the window for his little earlier stunt.)

"He's going for it, he's going for it..."

(One GFI, and then the other. Success. The Party Pooper is mocking the dwarves from in the endzone, humping the ball in celebration while Snot jumps up and down on the table.)

"HE DID IT!! HE DID IT!! TOUCHDOOOOOOOOWN, CHEWY RAT SOUP!"

(Gorgaz picks him up by the scruff of his neck and deposits him back down into his seat, glaring at him with a snort.)

"7 on 11 for the 2-1 grind... and the rats have a stake in the game after all! It's not even halfway of the second half!"

"I don't think it matters. The dwarves just got schooled by a thrower, and that's gonna make them ANGRY. The kick is light and to the right, and they surround the ball in a cage of its own while The Bladed Blade makes a charge up the middle against a trollslayer after the kickoff. He doesn't go any further than that as the dwarves get ready to get the ball and move."

"Move? How? their stubby legs..."

"Still faster than your spindly legs."

"Says the one who out-dodged you earlier. You're slow, greenskin..."

"That's why I'm up here and not out there. At least I'm of more use up here than you ever were down there!"

"..."

"Horns On His Tail goes down stunned while the dwarves grab the ball and run off with it, making a cage on one end of the sideline, and the Bladed Blade prepares a blitz."

"... Only until he gets stomped down by a single kidney punch from one of the dwarves' fat pinky fingers. He lies stunned while the dwarves continue their drive and the rest of the rats are down. This is a classic 2-1 grind at this point and the rats have little chance to get the ball back if at all before time expires. They ran out of rodents to throw into the breach."

"What about thrown skinks?"

"We're at the halfway of the second half and the dwarves are taking their sweet time, but they can afford to. Stun after knock down after stun, the rats fall over left and right. They are unopposed and can make a nice little walk into the end zone."

"You mean waddle, like the way you always do."

"..."

"Unafraid, Horns On His Tail goes... no, wait, there goes the Bladed Blade...! He's blitzing YYY into the immediate area close to the ball carrier. I don't think his prehensile tail will help in this though, as there are four... now five dwarves clustered around him and he can be swiftly beaten down. Again."

"The rats are down and the runner on the dwarves is completely unopposed as he scores in the ass-end of the half. Dwarves win 2-1, and the rats go home with some new bruises."

"But at least nobody died. For onc--"

(The rat ogre gets fouled for a BH in the final turns)

"... yeah, nobody died. Probably for the better, the rat teams around here have been taking a bit of a beating lately."

"They're rats, the beatings they get on the pitch are better than the beatings they get by their coaches for losing! Maybe if they develop a high tolerance for pain (or such a loss of brain function they become fearless), they'll win!"

"If they survive, that is."

"This is Snot Sniffly for the Craptastic Bash N' Break Corperation, saying you'd better kick ass..."

"At the same time I'm kicking his! GET OVER HERE YOU DIRTY LITTLE SKINK!"

"You don't want to kill me! Skink blood doesn't wash out!"

(Snot dashes out of the room. About ten minutes later a security camera shows Gorgaz in the bathroom, stuffing the skink's head in the toilet.)