Elf Team, on Sunday at 19:30 GMT.

Neither head coach JackassRampant nor Bolgrot himself would confirm off-the-record statements from sources connected to league officials, but Bolgrot's attorney, Yarmorg Rugmargkh, advised that his client no longer performs direct football services. "Urgoth hung up his cleats years ago. Now all he does is field maintenance between drives. Teams hire him so that he can clear away trash, obstacles and body parts; he's supposed to be off the field before kickoff."

Bolgrot has failed to leave the pitch several times, leading to more than a few unfortunate gardening accidents over the years. Still, Bolgrot's services are in high demand. Said RitF assistant coach Markgorg Brogrmrold, "Wen Urgoth'z doin' da lanskapin', da grass iz alwayz greena."

Brogrmrold, who is red-green colorblind, commented that he had not heard of any deals made with any Star Players. He is also glad to be playing in his team's red home uniforms, as opposed to their blue away unis. "Green wunz go fasta," he said.