Green Dukes Drop to 1-2 on Season With 2-1 Loss to Universidad Azteca

The Duqueswood University Green Dukes dropped their second game of NCBB season 46 in a disappointing 2-1 loss to the Universidad Azteca. The Azteca amazon squad got touchdowns from piranha warrior blitzer Dia “Swift” Seafoam and python warrior thrower Danica Patrick. Junior wardancer Dethwyntyr Whitebranch (elven military science—RETC) put the Green Dukes on the board with their lone touchdown, and freshman treeman Mirlin Weatherborn (tree-bark studies) contributed 1 casualty, his third of the season, despite rooting twice in the game.


“It’s great to see Mirlin putting some bite in his bark,” said Green Dukes’ Coach Gerric Smithson. “Now if we can just get him to move a bit, we’ll be onto something.”

Seafoam opened the scoring on a long touchdown run after controlling the opening kick near midfield. The Green Dukes set up a conventional elf-screen defense to slow the drive but gave up the edge on the southern sideline midway through the half in an attempt to gang-foul senior jaguar warrior blocker Albucilla Gondel.


“Look, when a weapon like that who’s only wearing bikini armor is on the ground, you stomp on her,” said Coach Smithson of his questionable decision to pull five elves away from the ball carrier to foul Gondel. “That’s just basic blood bowl.”

Duqueswood’s historically lackluster fouling game continued to disappoint, however, as back-to-back fouls on Gondel failed to do anything more than keep the amazon happily on the ground for a minute or two basking in what she took to be a back-walking massage. The problem seems to be the elves’ refusal to wear any metal substance on their bodies.

“Yeah, that whole ‘basic blood bowl’ thing … I kind of forgot that doesn’t really apply when your players refuse to wear boots made out of anything but leaves and branches,” said Coach Smithson during his postgame interview. “Maybe I could have them wrap their feet in briar branches next game. Who knows? We’ll keep working at it.”

With the sideline unprotected, as the bulk of the Duqueswood team released the tension from Gondel’s lumbar region, Seafoam scored easily to put Azteca up 1-0.

A minute still remained in the half, so Duqueswood went into a hurry-up offense to try to even the score. Thanks to some key blocking on the line of scrimmage by Weatherborn, Whitebranch was able to take the hand-off from junior wardancer Curswyn Redgrass (independent study: vengeance) and break deep into Azteca territory with seconds still left on the clock. His blockers then held off a swarm of amazons, and Whitebranch escaped toward the northern sideline, sprinted to the end zone, and dove across the goal line just as time expired.

“Watching Dethwyntyr move so swiftly is bittersweet,” said Weatherborn after the game. “I am glad for my teammate, and happy that my block helped him, but I also remember what it was like to be a wardancer, that feeling of the wind in my leaves—I mean hair—and I … Let’s just say, if my tears could but satisfy my thirst, I would never take root again.”

With the game tied 1-1 and the Green Dukes receiving the second-half kick, Duqueswood seemed poised for a victory, but they were quickly done in by sloppy blocking and bad positioning. Sophomore thrower Phaedry Featherwind (plant psychology) grabbed the kick and settled in deep in her own territory as the rest of the team tried to take control of the line of scrimmage. When sophomore line-elf Grindar Redbranch (modern fae poetry) failed to make a key block on freshman linewoman Claudia Scrole and instead fell to the ground after taking an elbow to the throat, the plan quickly fell apart.

“She looked like a lass who could appreciate free verse,” explained Redbranch between bouts of coughing up blood after the game. “So I thought perhaps rather than attacking her, I could distract her by reciting her some lines from ‘The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufairy’: ‘I have measured out my life in dandelion seeds …’ I guess she was not a fan. Maybe I should have gone with Dylan Thornmas instead.”

The miscue allowed the amazons to quickly close in on Featherwind and overwhelm the Green Duke blockers. In a last gasp attempt to salvage the drive, Featherwind tried to dodge away from two amazons to make a desperation pass to Redgrass in Azteca territory. Junior blitzer Asa Meets, however, was able to sweep out the thrower’s legs sending Featherwind and the ball to the pitch. Patrick then easily scooped the ball off the grass and scored to give Azteca the 2-1 victory.

“I’ve got to find a way to put my players in better position,” said Smithson on his failure to make something of his team’s key second possession. “Sometimes I think the best position for them might be off the field altogether and up a tree, but … yeah, we’ll get this figured out.”

Meanwhile, controversy may be brewing once again for the Green Dukes, according to recent reports. Weatherborn’s former parents, Mirvis and Scyntia Spinleaf, apparently have officially contested his standing with the team, claiming the elf-turned-treeman exhausted his eligibility before dying as an wardancer.

“They are making a mockery of our son, soiling his legacy, and besmirching his memory,” said Scyntia in a statement issued through her elftourney, former Duqueswood VP of Student Safety Baerys Pondripple. “To force me to watch my fleet-footed, graceful son out there now as this abomination, rooting into the ground, failing to move a single yard on the field for an entire game—this is an insult to the Spinleaf family.”

“Last time I checked, the kid changed his name to Weatherborn,” said Smithson when asked about the controversy. “If you want to know how his family feels about that, you should probably ask Oakward—just be prepared for his answer to take a few hours,”