Duqueswood’s Dismal Shutout Streak Goes to Three, With 2-0 Lost to U of M

The Duqueswood University Green Dukes suffered their third straight NCBB Season 44 shutout in a disappointing performance leading to a 2-0 loss to the U of M Wolverines. The Wolverines earned the win with 2 touchdowns from junior Norse berserker Blake Corum, who led all players with a dominant 39 yards rushing. The loss once again came with a possibly even more costly death, as the promising freshman wardancer Bixtyr Brightwing (mystical fauna studies) was killed on a brutal foul by Norse raider lineman Braiden McGregor well behind the play in the second half.


Corum crosses the goal line for his first of 2 TDs on the day

“Let’s just say Bixtyr’s development with the team hasn’t gone the way I’d hoped,” said Green Dukes’ Coach Gerric Smithson after the game. “I’d really hoped he could replace Angorn, who I’d really hoped could replace Mirlin. Each time, we were bringing the new guy along, coaching up new skills, like tackling, stripping the ball, sidestepping. But I think with the next one, we’re just going to keep it simple. Maybe focus on a different skill. Let’s call it, ‘not dying.’ ”

The Wolverines opened the scoring on a long first-half run by Corum, who juked away from an aggressive sideline blitz by Brightwing and freshman catcher Goblytyr Gusto (history of dirt) that had a chance to send Corum into the crowd. Oddly, the elves seemed to make this move without the awareness of the rest of their team, so Brightwing blitzed without additional support against the stout sophomore ulfwerener Brandon Graham, who formed the key corner of Corum’s side cage. With no other elves marking Graham, he easily clotheslined Brightwing, who went down in a tangled heap on the sideline.

“Yeah, that one’s on me,” said Coach Smithson. “We’re still having some communication problems from time to time, with many of these fellas being more comfortable in elven than the common tongue. But I have to admit, I said the wrong word. I used the old-world slang and shouted for Dethwyntyr to ‘base’ Graham, rather than telling him to ‘mark’ him. Synonyms can be tough when you’re new to a language, and well, I didn’t realize Dethwyntyr was also a member of the school’s a cappella group, The Ear Sharps, so, yeah, that’s why he kind of just stood where he was and started singing those really low notes at Graham.”


Graham protects Corum by clotheslining Brightwing on his daring sideline blitz; not picture, Whitebranch stands away from the play scatting a low repetitive melody

Evading that early threat, Corum easily crossed midfield, and ate up the first half clock to give the Wolverines a 1-0 lead. The Green Dukes moved quickly to try to even the score in the second half, when freshman wardancer Dethwyntyr Whitebranch (undeclared) scooped up the kickoff and raced upfield. As the Wolverines closed in, Whitebranch handed the ball to Brightwing to reverse field and break into the open deep in Wolverine territory.

However, the Duqeuswood blockers failed to secure a safe path for Brightwing, and ball-hawking valkyrie Jayna Davis punched out the ball from behind. Corum quickly scooped the ball off the turf, and the Green Dukes, now out of position, were easily corralled by the Wolverine blockers.

As Corum broke into Green Duke territory with plenty of blockers, the game looked to be over, with little excitement left for the crowd. But with Brightwing lying on the pitch defenseless, more than half the field behind the play, McGregor decided to give the home crowd in “The Big Manse” something to cheer for. Raising his fist in the air, he stomped on Brightwing’s throat and shouted “Wolverines” like a teenage soldier defending his village from an invading army.


McGregor kills Brightwing with a brutal foul as his teammates celebrate Corum’s second TD on the day

Despite the apothecary’s application of several leeches, a salve made of river bank mud and fresh clover, and the normally reliable healing potion, Brightwing died slowly on the field, bleeding out and choking on his own blood. “This will not be forgotten,” said Whitebranch darkly after the game, vowing that the team will avenge all of the deaths it has been dealt. When he was reminded of just how many deaths the team has suffered (the current total at press time was 9, but it’s likely that may have already increased), he noted, “ ’Tis a good thing elves can live for centuries. ”

The loss and the death bring the team’s troubling death-to-win ratio to 4:1, within just one death of last year’s 5:1 ratio, which prompted the university’s board of elders to temporarily suspend the program. Asked about this after the game, however, Coach Smithson seemed more worried about his wife’s garden.

“I guess we’re looking at another do-it-yourself return-to-the-forest ceremony,” he said. “Well, there’s no room left under the poinsettias, maybe the tulips or … anyone know if elf blood is good fertilizer for cabbages?”