Green Dukes 'Chug' Along to Force 1-1 Draw With Chunderbeards

The Duqueswood University Green Dukes overcame a punishing first half, in which they lost 6 players to KO’s and injuries, to salvage a 1-1 tie vs. the UBC Chunderbeards. The Chunderbeard dwarf squad scored their TD on a long, brutally blocked run by Van Dyke III, and Duqueswood got the equalizer from sophomore line-elf Ganderly Truegrass (leaf biology) in the game’s closing seconds. Not surprisingly, UBC out-blocked the Green Dukes 23-13, while the Green Dukes out-dodged the dwarves 22-3, suffering only 5 failed dodges—0 in the second half.


Van Dyke III celebrates his touchdown, with visible traces of something in his beard that seemed to throw off the Duqueswood defense

“Our fellas were having a little trouble getting away from those bearded devils in the first half, but we made a key half-time adjustment, and that made all the difference,” said Duqueswood Coach Gerric Smithson after the game. When pressed about what gave them so much trouble in the first half, Coach Smithson went on coyly, “There was a certain smell our players had trouble with. Let’s just say, those beards … they were, how do I put this … chunky.”

UBC immediately asserted control after Van Dyke grabbed the opening kick and trundled into a cage of blockers just short of midfield. The Green Dukes tried to repeatedly fall back and assemble a series of column formations to frustrate the dwarves, but the strategy fell apart as the elves failed 5 out 11 dodges in the first half.

Accordingly, Van Dyke and his cage lumbered forward methodically, and the Green Dukes saw all but 4 of their players leave the game courtesy of dwarf fists, elbows, and shoulders delivered to elven faces. By the time the dwarf runner waddled across the goal line to put his team up 1-0, the half was all but over, and not a single elf was left standing.

“It’s nigh impossible to dodge away from your opponent when they are that disgusting,” said a frustrated junior thrower Bryden Branch (quantitative root-conomics), who left the game with fractured orbital bone courtesy of dwarf blitzer Fu Manchu’s mailed fist.

“Such tactics should not be permitted,” added freshman catcher Zindari Dawnwind (elemental lore), who also left the game in the first half after a failed attempt to dodge away from contact. “There should be minimum hygiene requirements to take the field. I mean, it’s not as if we were playing against a Nurgle team.”

Scribes struggled at first to understand what the Duqueswood players were describing, but after repeatedly questioning Smithson in the postgame press conference, the coach finally explained the problem in full detail. “OK, look, apparently these dwarf fellas drank a lot of beer before the game, and well, a lot of them had vomitted all over their beards,” Coach Smithson explained. “It’s something they do apparently. A cultural thing … I don’t know. I mean, you’ve seen their logo, right? Anyway, my guys … well, they tend to have delicate stomachs.”

To overcome this challenge in the second half, Coach Smithson was forced to get creative. “When I was laying into my players at halftime for failing half of their dodges, they told me what the problem was,” he said. “So I got one of our assistant coaches to purchase a couple of kegs of Bugman’s XXXXXX from the stadium concessions, and I had the team chug as much as their stomachs could hold. Heck, I figured, it you can’t beat ’em, join ’em.”


Green Duke players drink as much beer as they can during halftime as part of Coach Smithson’s unconventional idea to improve their dodging in the second half

So it was that as the Green Dukes took the field for the second half, several had visible traces of vomit on their uniforms, and all had a looser gait. After falling back into their Treekaboo Dakka formation, with freshman thrower Pahedry Feaitherwind (plant psychology) running back toward her own end zone behind senior treeman Oakward Weatherborn (communications), the Bugman strategy seemed to pay off.

After a key block from Weatherborn midway through the half took down dwarf blitzer Handlebar II, the northern sideline opened up, and Featherwind and her blockers ran into Chunderbeard territory. The drunken elves appeared to dance, stagger, and laugh fearlessly as they did so, in a manner that somehow made them suddenly better able to dodge away from their dwarven opponents.

“Sometimes it is better to play a bit loose,” explained Truegrass (history of dirt). “Plus, you tend to be less disgusted with your opponent’s puke when you have some of your own on your kit.”

Not to be out done, however, Van Dyke made an impressive dodge of his own to pull off what was almost a game-saving play. Bracketed by two elf blockers near midfield, the uncharacteristically dexterous dwarf runner turned a one-handed cartwheel to escape his opponents and blitz Featherwind just as she got into scoring range. The stout fellow delivered a flying head-butt to Featherwind’s midsection, leaving her lying on the pitch gasping for air as the ball bounced near the sideline. Van Dyke then easily grabbed the ball, seemingly ending the Green Dukes’ scoring threat.

But Bullwind and sophomore wardancer Dethwyntyr Whitebranch (elven military science—RETC) still had something to say about that. Bullwind sprinted across the field to mark Van Dyke on the sideline. Though he had been one of the elves most bothered by the vomit in the first half, he now didn’t hesitate, grabbing a hold of Van Dyke’s vomit-encrusted beard to hold him still as Whitebranch charged toward him.

“It’s all much less disgusting when you’ve had a nip or two yourself,” said Bullwind between hicchoughs after the game. “I mean normally I wouldn’t touch a dwarf beard even if it were soaked the golden waters of the rivers of Argwylon. But I don’t know, I just felt suddenly less … inhibited, I guess.”

With Vandyke trapped on the sideline, Whitebranch swept in and delivered a spinning elbow to the side of the dwarf’s head, sending him and the ball into the crowd. The crowd threw the ball clear to the other sideline, but still in Chunderbeard territory, which allowed Truegrass to make an easy pick up and salvage the drive. Far ahead of the nearest dwarf defender, Truegrass then easily skipped across the goal line for the tying score.


Truegrass celebrates his game-tying touchdown with what appears to be flecks of his own vomit on his uniform and the ball.

“That’s a tough squad over there,” said Coach Smithson on the tie. “Last two times we played them, we saw 3 players die, and 6 others suffer long-term injuries. So a 1-1 tie, no dead elves, and the chance to see a wardancer do a keg stand … Heck, I’m calling that a win in my book.”

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Additional Game Note: Spinleaf Family Registers Formal Complaint

Senior catcher and team captain Scootyr Spinleaf (history of dirt) was held out of the game for reasons that have yet to be made clear. His parents, however, declined to wait for any explanation before filing a formal complaint with the university.

“The kid has had a broken collar bone and three concussions,” said Coach Smithson. “I don’t think a game against dwarves would have been the best idea for him right now. Scootyr and I have been in regular conversation about his health and his playing time, and all I can say right now is we’re doing what’s best for the player and the team.”

As major university donors and co-chairs of the Duqueswood University Parents Leadership Council, the Spinleafs had previously been strong advocates for Coach Smithson’s position with the team, but the relationship has seemed to sour lately. The disappearance of their son Mirlin’s “spirit tree,” rumors that a new oak has been spotted in Smithson’s yard, and these questions over Scootyr’s playing time have all led to the Spinleafs now questioning whether Smithson is the best man to helm the Green Dukes.


Myrvis and Scyntia Spinleaf, parents of Scootyr Spinleaf, and lead donors to the Mirlin Spinleaf Memorial Elfletic Center, have begun to express concerns with Coach Smithson’s decisions

“Today, for instance, it looked as if the coach were encouraging his players to imbibe beer during the halftime break,” said Scyntia Spinleaf. “I do hope for his sake that turns out not to be true, as some of his players are but elflings, clearly under-age—some even under a century old. It would be a shame if Gerric lost his job over this, especially since he wouldn’t have to resort to such dangerous coaching gimmicks if he were simply playing our son more.”

Reached for comment following the game, Duqueswood Vice President for Student Safety Baerys Pondripple said that the school is currently looking into the team’s unorthodox halftime activities.

“We take these allegations quite seriously,” said Pondripple. “We have come to understand over the years that it is acceptable in this sport for young elves to die, be maimed, and generally suffer degradation and brutal violence. However drinking beer like a pack disgusting dwarves? This goes too far. Too far indeed!”