Green Dukes Fall Flat in 1-0 Loss to T-Roy Trojans

The Duqueswood University Green Dukes lost 1-0 in a flat, uninspired performance against the T-Roy Trojans. Redshirt freshman catcher Cristian Solaris scored the game’s lone TD for the Trojan human squad, while the elves were unable to find paydirt or even advance much farther than midfield throughout the entire game.


Solaris reaches the ball across the goal line to score the game’s only TD

“This is one we’d like to forget,” said Duqueswood Coach Smithson after the game. “That’s’ what I told my fellas. We need to forget this performance and move on. But, of course, they told me the minds of elves are as sharp as the points their ears and they forget nothing. So … yeah.”

The Trojans took a 1-0 lead on Solaris’s touchdown at the end of the first half after a long drive that began with junior thrower Kaden Iona claiming the opening kick. As Iona advanced slowly up-field behind his blockers, the Green Dukes spread out to cover his receivers and head off his path toward the endzone. Unable to bring any of the human catchers to the ground, however, Duqueswood resorted to a cage leap by sophomore wardancer Curswyn Redgrass (independent study—vengeance) to attempt to stop the drive late in the half.

Vaulting over two human linemen, Redgrass delivered a flying knee to the back of Iona’s head. The thrower and the ball fell to the pitch, and freshman line-elf Meryl Berryburst (undeclared) was able to scoop up the ball deep in Duqueswood territory. Unable to find a safe space behind his blockers, however, Berryburst was exposed to multiple blocks from the Trojans, who bashed the elf to the ground, while the ball bounced right into Solaris’s hands. From there, it was an easy dodge and trot across the goal line to put the Trojans up 1-0 as the first half came to a close.

“Sometimes the ball just doesn’t bounce where you need it to,” said a dejected Coach Smithson. “Nothing you can do about that—though my fellas told me if we use a ball made of leaves, they could employ their elven magic to direct it where they wish. Not sure that’s legal, but we’re looking into it.”


Redgrass sends Iona and the ball to the pitch with a flying knee to o the back of the head, but Duqueswood is unable to take advantage of the turnover

The Green Dukes looked likely to at least tie the game in the second half as freshman thrower Phaedry Featherwind (plant psychology) made her way into Trojan territory early in the half. A key coaching error cost them the drive, however. Pinned in by two Trojans just past midfield, Featherwind attempted what looked like a simple dodge to escape the pocket and get past the T-Roy defense to where a screen of elf blockers had carved out an easy path to the endzone.

There was only one flaw in the plan. One of the Trojans marking her was senior catcher Nolan Gaet, who’s highly skilled in the art of the diving tackle. As Featherwind juked away from him, Gaet dove to the pitch, caught her by the ankle, and sent her crashing to the ground.

“That one’s on me,” said Coach Smithson, who admitted he knew from his scouting report that Gaet was dangerously skilled in bringing down dodgers. “I just forgot. I guess I’m better at forgetting than the fellas are. Maybe I need to sharpen some points on my ears.”


Featherwind falls to the pitch and loses the ball after following her coach’s instructions to dodge away from well-known diving-tackler Gaet

The Trojans easily grabbed the ball and raced up-field into Duqueswood territory, but a desperation blitz by sophomore line-elf Lyric Birdsong (ancient fae studies) won the ball back for the Green Dukes. Unfortunately, by the time Redgrass got the ball back into Trojan territory the clock was winding down. The wardancer’s attempt to sprint into scoring position before the end of the game cost him his balance, and he fell untouched along the southern sideline. The final whistle blew soon afterwards, ending the game and dampening the Green Dukes’ hopes for bowl contention.

Falling to 3-1-3 after a promising start to the season, the Green Dukes recent stumbles as well as pressure from new investigations into potential misconduct have once again placed Coach Smithson firmly on the hotseat. “One can only think that if Scootyr [Spinleaf] had been on the field for that final attempt, we would have been able to score,” said Scyntia Spinleaf, the mother of the Duqueswood catcher who was recently cut from the team after suffering numerous injuries that hampered all of his playing abilities save his speed.

In addition to the university’s ongoing investigation into Smithson serving his players beer during halftime of the previous game, the embattled coach has fallen into the crosshairs of the Spinleaf family’s private investigation into the disappearance of their deceased son Mirlin’s spirit tree. Last week, reports circulated of a new oak tree standing behind the Smithson manse, but as recently as shortly before gametime, that tree was reported to have disappeared as well.

“It’s clear that Coach Smithson has absconded with our son’s spirit tree for some nefarious reason and has now attempted to hide it,” said Scyntia Spinleaf. “After all that we have done for this program, I’m not sure why this man seems to have some sort of grudge against our family—cutting one of my sons while desecrating the grave of my other. Perhaps a new coach would appreciate parent engagement more than our current one does.”

Asked whether there could be some other explanation for the tree’s disappearance, Scyntia fixed the scribes with a look as sharp as an elven wind-blade and said simply, “Trees do not move.”

Asked for comment on the situation, Duqueswood University released the following statement, penned by the school’s media-relations intern, Green Dukes senior treeman Oakward Weatherborn (communications):

“Some trees does move.”