Nereid-fins Kick Off Season With Embarrassing 3-0 Loss to Stratford Ratbags

The Mayemi Nereid-fins started their first Bonehead League season with a whimper, suffering a 3-0 shutout at the hands of the Stratford Ratbags. The Ratbags enjoyed 3 touchdowns from standout gutter runner Goneril, who led the league in TDs last season and is off to a solid start to do the same this season. The skaven squad also outmuscled the elves, more than doubling them in successful blocks at 28-13 and producing two casualties on a day that gave the Nereid-fins nothing to boast about.


Goneril scores the first of 3 TDs on the day for the Stratford Ratbags

“I wouldn’t say there was nothing to boast about,” said Mayemi catcher Taryk Hyll, holding his bruised chin high after the match. “Our uniforms were much more elegant than the flea-ridden kits those filthy rats were wearing, and I’d like to think style still counts for something in this game.”

Despite the lopsided score, the match looked to be a defensive battle early, as Mayemi kept the Ratbags’ offense stagnant for most of the first half. After skaven thrower Tamora secured the kickoff deep in her own territory, the Nereid-fins settled into a conservative column formation to try to slow the dangerous skaven attack. Though the effort kept her deep in her own half, Stratford’s rat ogre Lady McBeth strung together a series of frenzied blitzes that helped her squad remove 4 elves from the pitch before the end of the half.

“At least there’s no way you could try to say that was a concussion,” said Mayemi Coach Mickon McDenial on the smashed knee Nereid-fin thrower Tya Tyngafarthrowa suffered in the first half when Lady McBeth bit into his leg, lifted him into the air, shook him like a rag-doll, and tossed his limp body to the pitch. “Tya’s head is fine, so he won’t be entering concussion protocol. His knee on the other hand … yeah, the apothecaries are telling us all the skeletal structure there is basically shattered. Nothing but bone dust. But not a concussion, so … yeah.”

Down four players with another one stunned on the field, Mayemi could only muster a shell of a screen in the closing seconds of the half. After a perfect pass from Tamora to Goneril, skaven blitzer Shylock II lowered his shoulder spike into Mayemi blitzer Jaylen Killups. The blow took less than a pound of flesh but still sent the elf to the pitch to open a path for Goneril to scamper past and put the Ratbags up 1-0 at the end of the first half.


Lady Macbeth thrashes Tyngafarthrowa moments before tossing him to the turf, where he suffered a smashed knee

In a touching moment, Goneril tossed the football to her elderly father, who was watching from the stands with her two sisters, and she dedicated her touchdown to him, professing that she loved him much more than her littermates did. The kickoff for the second half was delayed as the three sisters then began tearing each other’s fur out in a scuffle in the stands.

“That was nice to see,” said McDenial. “Must be a close family. And speaking of family, word to the wise, I saw Tamora snacking on some pies after the game, and I just want to recommend you don’t join her in eating those. Seriously, you don’t want to know what was in them.”

Mayemi still had a chance to make a game of it early in the second half despite being down 4 players, but a key blocking miscue on the line of scrimmage put the team in hot water. Lineman Lyam Eichinbyrg got his legs tangled with a linerat while trying to make a pulling block, and when both went down, it opened up a chance for the Ratbags to get to the ball before Mayemi could secure the kickoff. Tamora rushed forward, pushing Hyll away from the ball, and Malvolio pounced on it, taking possession deep in Mayemi territory.

The aggressive move left the Nereid-fins with no choice but to unleash the wizard they’d hired for the match. Opting for a fireball, the mage knocked out Malvolio and stunned Tamora, opening up a window for the Nereid-fins to tilt the game back in their favor. After a pick-up, a hand-off and a few dodges, Mayemi were able to get the ball in Hyll’s hands across midfield in the area left open by the Ratbags’ aggressive defense. But as line-elf Aryn Brewyr tried to dodge away from Lady McBeth to protect Hyll from a backside blitz, he tripped over the rat ogre’s tail, leaving a dangerous opening for the Ratbags.

“I really thought I could make that dodge, because Lady MacBeth seemed highly distracted,” said Brewyr after the game. “Ever since her violent first-half, she’d been rubbing her hands together trying to wash off the blood and muttering something about a ‘damned spot.’ But I guess that tail has a mind of its own.”


Hyll runs into the clear, unaware that Macbeth is closing in fast from behind

Ratbag gutter runner, MacBeth took advantage of the clear path to glory his wife’s tail had carved for him and caught Hyll in the open field. As he attempted to strip the ball from the elven catcher, his head collided with Hyll’s knee, knocking him out but also sending Hyll and the ball to the pitch in the process. Kyllups was able to scoop up the loose ball and run forward into scoring position, but he was chased down by Angelo, Tybalt II, and Goneril.

Tybalt II delivered a vicious forearm to the back of Kyllups’ head, ending the Mayemi scoring threat. Goneril then quickly snatched up the ball and skittered down the southern sideline for the team’s second touchdown, effectively putting the game out of reach with little over a minute left.

However, that minute was more than enough time for Goneril to score another TD, as the Nereid-fins came out highly aggressive after the next kick-off, and another line-of-scrimmage blocking miscue left the ball open. Goneril was quick to snatch it up and high-step her way to her third TD of the day.

Despite the embarrassing score, the Nereid-fins (those who were still conscious and able to walk, that is) quickly assembled on the sidelines after the game and began parading for the crowd. As they turned this way and that, showing off their fine orange and aqua eleven silks and gleaming polished silver armor plates, the mostly skaven crowd began to boo and toss garbage at them. Yet the team still seemed to think their sartorial superiority won them some sort of victory on the day.

“We may have lost the match, but we clearly shut them out and won the post-game fashion show in dominating style. I’d say not since the days of Prince Moranion himself have players cut such fine figures on the pitch,” said Hyll. When reminded that the crowd was so unimpressed with the spectacle that they booed threw garbage at him, Hyll protested, “I believe you are mistaken. They weren’t booing, but rather trying to use the coming tongue to cheer, ‘boo-tiful.’ And as for the trash they threw our way, well, skaven are known to treasure garbage, so to them, I’m sure that was the equivalent of showering us with gold coins and flowers.”


Hyll basks in the adulation of the crowd after the game. Unfortunately, that adulation came mainly in the form of flying garbage.