Green Dukes End Losing Streak With 3-0 Win vs. T-roy Trojans

The Duqueswood University Green Dukes ended their mid-season three-game slide with a dominant rain-soaked 3-0 shutout of the T-roy Trojans, one of the few human teams in the NCBB. Smothering the Trojans with an aggressive, attacking defense, the Green Dukes relied heavily on the agility and dazzling eyes of star-player Eldril Sidewinder to generate touchdowns from junior linemen Foren Longweed (mystical fauna studies) and Greeny Bullwind (history of dirt) as well as sophomore catcher Gladryl Stormfoot (undeclared).

Stormfoot runs through the pouring rain for one of the Green Dukes’ 3 TDs on the day

“ ’Tis a bittersweet victory, as we have long sought to help the brave realm of men against the forces of chaos,” said Duqueswood freshman wardancer Dethwyntyr Whitebranch (undeclared) after the game, who, as a recruit from the northern snow elf tribes, grew up steeped in an ancient history of elven-human military alliances. “Their enemies are our enemies, and much have our elf maidens wept and sang many lays for them, as the lives of even their greatest heroes are but short and fleeting as the flicker of a firefly. And, well, most tragically, sometimes they’re really bad at picking up the ball in the rain.”

The Green Dukes got off to a fast start in the game, as Whitebranch and junior linewoman, Zephyra Gettleaf (oakish, women's & arbor studies) raced up field on the opening kick off despite the fact that the rest of the team did not seem to be executing an onside kick. “With the rain so heavy, I took pity upon their human thrower, who no doubt would struggle to secure the wet ball,” explained Whitebranch. “I merely wanted to catch the ball and then hand it to him so that we could start the game on fair footing.”

“I was just in a rush to hit someone,” added Gettleaf, who despite her initial skepticism about the sport has become one of Duqueswood’s most physical players.

The rain, however, proved too much even for Whitebranch, who dropped the kick, and the ball landed between him and Gettleaf. When T-roy sophomore thrower Kaden Iona charged Whitebranch and lowered his shoulder into him, the wardancer was no longer in a helpful mood.

“I think Dethwyntyr learned quickly that the old-world alliances don’t amount to a whole hill of beans on the pitch,” said Duqueswood Coach Gerric Smithson.

Able to withstand Iona’s block, Whitebranch quickly started some blocking of his own, clearing a path for Stormfoot to scoop the ball off the muddy field. Junior Trojan catcher Nolan Gaet, a dangerous diving tackler and sidestepper, still had a chance to make a play on Stormfoot. However, that’s when star player Eldril Sidewinder crossed midfield to enter the scrum and star deeply into Gaet’s eyes.

“Eldril’s a heck of a player,” said Coach Smithson. “And we’re happy to have him on the squad whenever he’s available. But I learned quick not to look into those dazzling eyes. Made that mistake during our first practice this week when I was trying to explain our kick and chase defense. He just chuckled and said, ‘I’m an elf. You need not school me on our long-held traditions,” but then he fixed me with that gaze, and suddenly I saw the great paradoxes of the universe unfolding before me. Questions like if a treeman breaks wind in the woods, doth it make a sound, and doth it make a smell, and if so, is that smell foul or but the breath of pine needles … Anyway, I came to on the practice field hours later all alone and … well, let’s just say I needed to change my pants. I’m not sure why I revealed that last bit of information. Sheesh, just the memory of that gaze is enough to shake up the old noodle. Anyway … uh, next question?”


Earlier this week, Coach Smithson remains on the practice field long after his brief meeting with rental star player Eldril Sidewinder, as the confused Duqueswood players head back to their dorms

Little is known about what paradoxes unfolded for Gaet as Sidewinder held him in his gaze—or the state of Gaet’s pants when he came to afterwards—but as he stood in a daze, he was easily pushed away from Stormfoot, who made his way up field relatively unchallenged. Eating up as much clock as possible, Stormfoot crossed the goal line midway through the first half.

After receiving the next kick off, Iona moved quickly to midfield, but T-roy was only able to establish a partial cage for their thrower. The Green Dukes quickly took advantage, as junior treeman Oakward Weatherborn (communications) took down Trojan ogre Sawyer Café with a swift root kick to the groin, clearing a path for Sidewinder to reach Iona. Gazing deeply into Iona’s eyes, Sidewinder began singing the ancient lay of the elven mariner who mistook a giant tuna for a mermaid and married a fish. Transfixed, Iona forgot how to block, dodge, or do anything but stand on the pitch weeping as Longweed blitzed in from his left.

Hitting Iona with a flying round-house kick to the chin, Longweed KO’d the Trojan thrower and sent the ball splashing onto the pitch back in T-roy territory. Bullwind was then easily able to grab the ball and race across the goal line to give the Green Dukes a dominant 2-0 halftime lead.

“That flying kick might have looked easy with the thrower just standing there in a daze,” said Longweed after the game. “But keep in mind I had to do it with my eyes closed. I mean, if I were to accidently catch sight Eldril’s eyes mid blitz, I could have forgotten where I was even going and raced right off the field. Who knows? I might still be running.”

With the game well in hand, Duqueswood received the second-half kick and moved methodically up field to try to eat up as much clock as possible. Aided by some more fancy eye-work from Sidewinder, Longweed carved a path toward the endzone to give the team a 3-0 win at the closing whistle.

“Again, that might have looked easy,” said Longweed. “But every time I looked up, Eldril was there giving someone else that gaze. I had to keep my eyes closed through half the run.”

With the reigning NCBB champion Air Force Falconorcs next up on the schedule, the Green Dukes face an uphill battle in trying to turn their losing streak into a winning streak. Currently, 6-1-1 on the season and in position for another championship run, the brutal orc team will be tough to beat, let alone survive, without further assistance from Sidewinder.

Asked whether he would seek the help of the elven star again despite the risks his gaze might pose for his own team and himself, Coach Smithson was emphatic in his response.

“Eldril playing with us again? Heck yeah,” he said. “I’d be willing to piss my pants at every damn practice if I could have that mesmerizing gaze on the field permanently. Wait, did I just say that out loud? Crap, I got to stop talking about this guy. Yeah, anyway, next question?”


Sidewinder made himself available for questions after the match, but all of our scribes suddenly forgot what to ask, or what a question even was, so all that remains as a record of his press conference is this single mage-cast image. Note: the sea-elf’s eyes have been obscured for your protection.