Our Cast:
(Ross | Rachel | Chandler | Monica)
(Joey | Phoebe | Richard | Mike)
INT. CENTRAL PORC – DAY
ROSS (a bloodseeker in dented blood-soaked armor) sits on a blood-soaked sofa in the busy Central Porc, a café where orc slaves serve warm pig blood to disciples of the blood god Khorne. His huge blood-soaked helmet sits on a sofa cushion next to him. Blood-soaked patrons mill about the café, which is decorated in a modern, upscale, and blood-soaked vibe, as ROSS sips at his cup.
JOEY (a handsome khorngor with horns that make the ladies swoon) enters the café in a rush. He spots Ross and approaches.
JOEY
Ross, what happened to you out there? No casualties. No yards rushing. Not even a successful push.
ROSS
(pointing two fingers at his head)
I was using … unagi
JOEY
What does sushi have to do with blood bowl?
ROSS
Not sushi. It’s an ancient martial-arts concept of … total awareness.
JOEY
Well the only thing I was aware of was you dancing with Chandler—what were you guys even doing? And then you got pounded by their lineman. I mean, come on, this was the first round of
Royal Rookie Rumble 553. Even your ex-wife had a TD. You’re supposed to be one of our best blockers. Just look at that cool helmet. And … you … you just let them score.
FLASHBACK: EXT. BLOOD BOWL PITCH – DAY
A human blood bowl team,
ALEX CIDERSON’S CLONES, runs around on a blood bowl pitch, blocking players on the khorne team, the
KRANE KAUFFMAN FRENZ (in the same blood-soaked armor Ross was wearing).
The crowd CHEERS as the Clones’ blitzer, BRYAN ALFWYN, streaks down the field, breaking into Frenz territory. Ross, trailing the play, tries to get around CHANDLER (a fopish khorngor in blood-soaked armor) to catch up, as a human lineman bears down on him.
ROSS
(to Chandler)
Pivot.
ROSS steps to the right, but so does Chandler. Ross steps to the left, but so does Chandler.
As Ross struggles to get around Chandler, the human linemen RAMS the iron bracer on his forearm into the back of Ross’s head. Ross’s eyes ROLL UP IN HIS HEAD, and he FALLS TO THE PITCH UNCONSCIOUS. In the distance BRIAN SCORES.
INSERT: A small GOBLIN climbs out on a wooden scoreboard and adjusts the hanging slate numbers to reflect the score: ALEX CIDERSON’S CLONES 1, KRANE KAUFFMAN FRENZ 0.
INT. CENTRAL PORC – DAY
Ross and Joey, as before. RACHEL (a beautiful bloodseeker with a trend-setting haircut and blood-soaked armor) enters and approaches them.
RACHEL
Hey, what are you guys talking about?
JOEY
The game. What else?
JOEY
The game we just played in!
RACHEL
Oh, right. Hey, how about how we handled that catcher for our first score? What did you think of that, Ross?
Ross looks up at her, clearly annoyed.
RACHEL
Oh, that’s right. You were KO’d. Why didn't you wake up? Did you think ...?
ROSS
I thought we were on a break!
FLASHBACK: EXT. BLOOD BOWL PITCH – DAY
PAN CAMERA from Ross’s unconscious body in the blood-soaked KO box to the field, where Joey has the ball. He is surrounded by human players just a few yards from the goal line. A female human catcher, MACI CLELORN, is just about to tackle him. RACHEL, by his side, tries to block her, but can’t quite get her down. Joey’s EYES LIGHT UP with an idea. He looks at Maci and NODS seductively.
Maci SMILES, distracted. Rachel lowers a shoulder into Maci’s stomach, LIFTS HER OFF THE GROUND AND DRIVES HER BACK INTO THE ENDZONE. They CRASH down onto the ground, dislocating Maci’s shoulder. Joey runs into the endzone and SCORES.
INSERT: The goblin climbs on the scoreboard and adjusts the numbers to reflect the score: ALEX CIDERSON’S CLONES 1, KRANE KAUFFMAN FRENZ 1.
INT. CENTRAL PORC – DAY
Ross, Joey, and Rachel, as before. Phoebe (a blonde khorngor in a hippy-ish flowing dress over blood-soaked armor) approaches them and plops down on the couch.
PHOEBE
(shuddering)
That was awful.
PHOEBE
No, I just sacrificed a cat to the blood god in the alley. That poor thing smelled awful. I wonder what they were feeding it. What game?
JOEY
(exasperated)
The game we just played.
PHOEBE
Right. That was fun. Did we win?
JOEY
Did we win? You made the most important block.
PHOEBE
(smilng)
Really. Well … yay, me.
FLASHBACK: EXT. BLOOD BOWL PITCH – DAY
Human lineman BEAU NACLE has the ball in the Clones’ territory. With five of his players in the KO and casualty box, he doesn’t have many blockers. The FRENZ players are bearing down on him—all except Ross, who is struggling to get around the Clones’ ogre, LONDYN SOLITA at midfield.
Ross steps to the right. The Ogre steps to the right. CHANDLER watches from nearby with a SMIRK on his face.
CHANDLER
Why don’t you ask him to pivot?
As all of the other FRENZ take on blockers, only CAROL and PHOEBE have a clean shot at the ball carrier, Beau. Phoebe walks around haphazardly, and bumps into Beau. She looks down and sees the ball in his hands.
PHOEBE
Oh, you!? You’re the guy. The guy with the ball. The guy we’re supposed knock down.
She smiles, proud of herself for having recognized him. Then HER EYES GO WIDE.
She cocks back her blood-soaked arm, and PUNCHES him the mouth. BLOOD EXPLODES from his face and SEVERAL TEETH GO FLYING. Beau goes down, and the ball goes flying. Carol, scoops the ball off the ground and RUNS INTO THE END ZONE. The crowd CHEERS.
INSERT: The goblin climbs on the scoreboard and adjusts the numbers to reflect the score: ALEX CIDERSON’S CLONES 1, KRANE KAUFFMAN FRENZ 2.
Back on the blood bowl pitch, MONICA (a bloodseeker with long dark hair and perfectly clean armor, which she continues to wipe clean with a cloth) comes up behind the rest of Frenz team as they celebrate. She licks some blood off the cloth and then her finger and looks around at the BLOOD-SOAKED pitch.
MONICA
(shaking her head)
This place is a mess!
INT. CENTRAL PORC – DAY
Ross, Joey, Rachel, and Phoebe, as before.
JOEY
Well, at least we won. I wonder who we’ll play in the next round.
Ross looks around suddenly concerned.
ROSS
Wait, where’s my sister?
Monica walks into the café. She is no longer the slender bloodseeker she was before. Instead she has ballooned to OVER 300 POUNDS. The gang turns to look at her in surprise. Monica shrugs, and her PLUMP BLOOD-SOAKED CHEEKS AND DOUBLE CHIN JIGGLE. She wipes some blood with a finger and then LICKS it off and smiles.
MONICA
Come on guys, someone had to clean up all that blood.
CUT TO: A montage of the gang frolicking around in a fountain of blood as the Frenz theme song plays:
The Frenz Theme Song ("I'll Bleed There For You")
So no one told you the game was gonna go this way
Your armor’s broke, you choked
Your big guy’s DOA
It's like you're always stuck in tackle zones
When you haven’t gotten a pow, a push, both down
And your dice are all bones, but
I'll bleed there for you
(When the pitch is filled with gore)
I'll bleed there for you
(And you fail pickup number four)
I'll bleed there for you
('Cause you’ll bleed for me too)
You're cage got broke again
And it’s already turn eight
You failed another rush
So far, things are going great
The slaughter-priests warned you there'd be days like these
But they didn't tell you when Nuffle has cut
You off at the knees that
I'll bleed there for you
(When the pitch is filled with gore)
I'll bleed there for you
(And you’re KO’d players snore)
I'll bleed there for you
('Cause you're there for me too)
No one could ever show me
The right way to blitz with frenzy
Seems you're the only one who knows
How to kill a stunty
Someone to face the dice with
Surf all those skaven mice with
Roll double skulls twice with you
[gittern solo]
It's like you're always facing a bombardier
And he’s blown apart your cage, and now your
ball carrier’s smeared
I'll bleed there for you
(When animal savagery makes you roar)
I'll bleed there for you
(And you trip just before you score)
I'll bleed there for you
('Cause you’ll bleed for me too)
I'll bleed there for you
I'll bleed there for you
I'll bleed there for you
('Cause you’ll bleed for me too)
