Gentlemen Dominate Green Dukes in 2-0 Shutout

The Duqueswood University Green Dukes were out-blocked, out-coached, and out-maneuvered in a 2-0 shutout against the Appalahcian State Gentlemen for their second straight loss of the NCBB Season 45. Freshman witch elf Miranda Lambert II scored both touchdowns for the Gentleman dark-elf squad on a game-high 21 yards rushing. The lone highlight for Duqueswood came from senior line-elf Greeny Bullwind (history of dirt) who produced one casualty, knocking dark-elf lineman Richard Petty out of the game on the opening play.


Miranda Lambert scores her first of two touchdowns on the day for the Gentlemen

“Can’t say we got much right today, but we’re gonna get back to it in practice this week and get things fixed,” said Green Dukes’ Coach Gerric Smithson after the game. “I think we’re closer than it might look on the scoreboard. Just a few things we need to clean up—like blocking, screening, blitzing, dodging, tackling, maybe passing too. Just basically … every aspect of the game, I guess.”

Things looked promising for Duqueswood early, as senior thrower Bryden Branch (quantitative root-conomics) grabbed the opening kickoff and moved forward while his blockers established a foothold along the northern sideline deep into Appalahcian State territory. Midway through the half, Branch was surveying the field from the pocket near midfield with several scoring threats open deep. However, a positioning miscue left him exposed for a backside blitz, and the Gentlemen took advantage.

Dodging around Ganderly Truegrass (leaf biology), who was protecting Branch’s front-side, Lambert and blitzer Lorvan Brave circled behind Branch just as he was lifting his arm to make a deep pass to junior catcher Scootyr Spinleaf (tree bark studies). A split second before Branch got the ball out, Brave blind-sided him, sending the thrower and the ball flying through the air.

Bryden Branch spots an open player deep down field moments before Lorvan Brave blind-sides the elven thrower

Luckily, Truegrass plucked the ball out of the air and then raced up field after treeman Oakward Weatherborn (communications) slammed a branch into Brave’s face. “That hit was so hard at first I thought the ball was Bryden’s head,” explained Truegrass. “I figured I should grab this thing so we can send it back to his mom after the game. Then I saw it was the ball, and I thought I was likely to lose my own head if I didn’t start running and get this thing into someone else’s hands.”


Oakward Weatherborn back-branches Brave, sending the blitzer flying

Truegrass rushed forward and handed the ball to wardancer Dethwyntyr Whitebranch (Elven Military Science—RETC), who looked poised to put the Green Dukes up 1-0 as his teammates began to form a cage of blockers around him. Unfortunately, as catcher Berlon Summergrass moved to protect Whitebranch’s back side, he tripped trying to disengage from a dark elf blitzer and fell hard to the pitch, smashing his knee.

This left Whitebranch open for a blitz from Madison Cawthorne. The skilled and freakishly strong dark-elf blitzer grabbed the wardancer by the throat, hoisted him high into the air, and slammed him down onto the pitch. Lambert quickly snatched the bouncing ball up and raced off toward the endzone, where she began to sing an ancient Naggarothi song about torture, murder, and a mother’s broken heart to the Appalahcian State crowd in celebration.

“This is what we need,” said Whitebranch, who watched Lambert’s performance, transfixed (or maybe just dazed, as he was still on the pitch recovering from being choke-slammed by Cawthorne). “I have studied this in my coursework for the Reserve Elficers’ Training Corps [RETC]. In their ancient wars, the elves used music to help them to fight. This week I will work with my brethren in the elf-capella group, the Ear Sharps, to craft a song that will do this for our team. We will call it a … fight song.”


Miranda Lambert sings to the Appalahcian State Crowd in the endzone, inspiring Whitebranch to consider composing a fight song for the Green Dukes

Though the Duqueswood faithful may look forward to hearing what Whitebranch comes up with, there was little to look forward to in the rest of the game. The Gentlemen took the second half kick and moved slowly up field, physically dominating the Green Dukes on their way to their second TD in the closing seconds.

There was, however, one moment when the Green Dukes could have gotten back in the game. A dump-off pass by Jimmit Harris to Brave and a failed block left the ball carrier exposed. Three Green Dukes players were positioned to potentially shove Brave off the pitch, and a potential throw could have given them a shot to take possession and possibly tie the game.

Surprisingly, however, Coach Smithson directed his players to block Brave away from the sideline in an attempt to get multiple shots at bringing down the ball carrier, despite the fact that Brave is what most coaches refer to as a “blodger,” meaning that he is both shifty and has a nasty stiff arm, which makes him difficult to bring to the ground. So it was that three Green Dukes threw themselves at Brave, and three Green Dukes uselessly bounced off of him as the dark elf chuckled.

With the golden opportunity squandered, Duqueswood was reduced to desperation cage diving for the rest of the drive. Brave soon handed off to Harris, who tossed the ball to Lambert, who easily crossed the goal line and once again serenaded the cheering crowd, as they celebrated the Gentlemen’s 2-0 victory.

With the Green Dukes starting off another season by dropping their first two games, questions are already swirling about Coach Smithson’s coaching abilities. But Smithson remained adamant that the team is on the right track.

When asked whether there might be one more item he should add to his list of things to work on this week, Coach Smithson shook his head at the scribes gathered for the postgame press conference. “Not sure what you mean,” he said. When the scribes gave him a hint, telling him this additional item might rhyme with a certain way of cooking eggs, he merely shrugged and said, “Rambling? Gambling? Shambling? Not sure how any of that applies to the game, but I’ll look into it.”


Coach Smithson shrugs during the postgame press conference, baffled about the additional thing the team needs to improve, and apparently having never heard of poaching an egg