GREEN DUKES DAZZLE IN 4-0 VICTORY FOR PROGRAM’S NCBB INAUGURAL HOME-OPENER

The Duqueswood University Green Dukes opened the Uther J. Rune-Elf Athletic Field Stadium with a bang, claiming the program’s first victory in a dominant 4-0 win over the UT Corpse Volunteers. With two touchdowns from sophomore captain wardancer Mirlin Spinleaf ’26 (tree-bark studies) as well touchdowns from freshman wardancer Angorn Windfoot ’27 (undeclared) and lineman Garon Streamsong ’27 (molecular acorn analytics), the home crowd—most of whom were watching their first Blood Bowl match ever—were equal parts thrilled and confused.

“I’d read in the Green Duke that there was going to be something like a Blood Pool or Blood Bowl game out on this cool green field they just put in the forest,” said a wide-eyed Duqueswood student Fletchlyr Weedroot after the match. “I saw they had some players called wardancers, and I love dance. I mean, I grew up watching the northern elven lords dance with the fire-fairies upon the ripples of the great Wyvern River in the dying light of sunset, and there’s nothing more beautiful, so I thought, hey, why not check this out? I don’t know exactly what happened. My treemate tells me we won, which is cool, but I just liked watching that Windfoot guy fly around the field. I’ve never seen dancing with so much punching in the face.”


The Green Duke crowd who packed the Uther J. Rune-Elf Athletic Field Stadium for the university’s first home blood bowl match ever may not have fully understood what they were seeing, but they seemed thrilled by the win, or at least the spectacle of mayhem they witnessed

The Green Dukes took an early 1-0 lead on a well-designed play that saw Windfoot sprint downfield on a corner route, while sophomore thrower Elehorn Oakhand ’27 (quantitative root-conomics) moved to midfield with several blockers around him. Windfoot attracted double coverage, and a strong pump fake from Oakhand drew all of UT’s dead zombie and ghoul eyes in his direction. Then Oakhand spun away from blitzing UT mummy Leonard Big, reversed field and handed the ball to Spinleaf, who danced down the opposite side of the pitch from Windfoot to put Duqueswood up 1-0.

Green Duke Coach Gerric Smithson, who’d lamented the new team’s lack of resources last week, was pleased with his players’ execution. “Yeah, look, I talked to the dean, the provost and the president, and they still insist that as long as paper is pulped from trees, Duqueswood will remain a book-free university, so still no playbook,” he said. “But they introduced me to an arcane elven mystic arts professor who gave me a blade of grass that can write on water, so this week we were able to draw up at least one play during practice on a nearby pond. And I give the fellas credit. They pulled it off perfectly. Who knows, maybe next week, we’ll have two offensive plays.”


Spinleaf charges down the field as the stunned UT players can only watch, drawn away by Oakhand’s pump fake to Windfoot

UT quickly mounted a drive to try to even the score before halftime, but Windfoot helped put an end to it with an acrobatic nearly 10-foot leap over zombie lineman Derek Cleryayk. Landing with a brutal punch to ghoul runner Jamal Slew-us, Windfoot knocked out the ball carrier and knocked loose the ball, resulting in a scrum that helped keep UT off the scoreboard, despite a late pickup and charge from stand-out UT ghoul runner “Mean” Gene McForever.

“Kid’s got some bounce, I’ll tell you that,” said Smithson of Windfoot’s effort, noting that he’s still learning how to properly coach the team’s first and only true recruit, who was brought to Duqueswood on a full scholarship from the distant Loren Forest, and as a result still only speaks the old elvish tongue and has not yet gotten over his fear of all things built from iron and stone. “Can’t understand a word he says, and he keeps growling at the metal buckles on my boots. But the kid’s definitely got some bounce.”

Windfoot leaps into the UT cage moments before delivering a ball-jarring knockout punch to Slew-us’s chin.

The game quickly got out of hand in the second half when the Green Dukes executed an astounding three onside kicks, two resulting in recoveries, one resulting in an errant toss by Slew-Us, and all three resulting in Duqueswood touchdowns. Frustrated UT coach Mister Murphy threw up his hands on the sidelines near the end of the match, blaming the gods for the bad luck in the second half in words not fit to print on page or scroll. “What can I say,” sighed Murphy. “Sometimes Nuffle’s just a *****.”

However, interviews with some Green Duke players after the game reveal that there may have been another reason for UT’s disastrous second half. In the only down note for Duqueswood, Oakhand suffered a dislocated shoulder early in the match, but sitting out gave him some time to reflect on the game, and he shared his theory on that shocking second half.

“At half time, the UT marching band came onto the field and played the ancient human song “Rocky Top”—that was a big mistake,” Oakhand explained. “This rocky top they sang of, ‘tis a place of rock and stone, a barren place where naught can grow, where all things green can find no purchase. This is an insult to elven kind everywhere. Not only did that stir up our players, but it also incurred the wrath of all of our ancient ancestors who inhabit these woods, who inhabit every blade of grass on this field. That is what happened in the second half.”


The UT marching band plays “Rocky Top” at halftime, unknowingly angering the elven ancestors who, according to Oakhand, “inhabit every blade of grass” on the new Uther J. Rune-Elf Athletic Field pitch.

Coach Smithson, however, was not convinced. “I mean, we did practice onside kicks all week, so I don’t know, maybe that had something to do with it,” he said with a frustrated chuckle. “But sure, ancient songs, ancestors, every blade of grass … What do I know? I’m just the coach, right? Whatever makes the kids happy. They play like that, they can say Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny made it happen for all I care.”

Game Notes: Despite being shut out, UT dominated the game physically, out-blocking Duqueswood 43-13. Sophomore UT wight blitzer Eric Buried led all players with two casualties inflicted. Not surprisingly the elf squad was the dodgier of the two, with the Green Dukes making 18 dodges, and the Corpse Volunteers making 0. Next up the Green Dukes will face Central Michigan Chipper Waagh, an orc squad who are currently 0-1 after dropping their first match to the Marshall Thundering Herd.