Nereid-fins Explode for First Win in 3-0 Shutout Vs. Middneheim Maulers
Plus: The Herald Names its All-Warpstone Award Winners

The Mayemi Nereid-fins packed a season’s worth of proper play into their final game, shutting out the Middneheim Maulers 3-0. Catcher Devyoryn Achyrn scored two of Mayemi’s touchdown’s, while line-elf Aryn Brewyr chipped in the third. The Maulers were unable to find paydirt, as the human team failed to effectively “maul” their elven opponents, with the final blocking numbers fairly even at 23 for the Maulers to 21 for the Nereid-fins.


Devyoryn Achyrn runs away from Mauler defenders to score one of his two touchdowns on the day

“Any time you can go punch for punch with a bunch of rock-breakers and force them to play elf-ball, you’re gonna have a chance,” said Mayemi Coach Mickon McDenial, referring to the Mauler’s history as former quarry men. “I mean, it’s kind of obvious, right? If you’re playing against maulers, not getting mauled seems like it might be a solid strategy.”

On Middneheim’s opening drive, Mayemi managed not only to avoid getting mauled but also to steal the ball. After stymieing their thrower Luca Silver near midfield, line-elf Lyam Eichinbyrg chain pushed a blitzer into Silver, forcing the thrower to step back and become exposed at the back of the cage. Elf blitzer Jaylyn Killyps immediately took advantage, sweeping around the cage and ramming his shoulder into Silver’s back.

“Chain pushing isn’t something elves normally work on in practice,” said Eichinbyrg. “But last week, we saw some dwarves play elf-ball, so we thought maybe this week we could play a little dwarf-ball. Yuck, sorry … doing it was one thing, but talking about it … Yeah, I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.”

Disgusting as it may be, the dwarf-like strategy paid off, as the ball popped loose, and Silver went to the ground. Brewyr then scooped the ball from the pitch in the ensuing scrum and made his way to the endzone to put Mayemi up 1-0 at the end of the first half.


Aryn Brewyr grabs the ball off the pitch before running for the touchdown to complete the scoop-and-score

The Maulers’ defense came out aggressively in the second half, knowing they would likely need to steal the ball to come back for the win. With line-elf Kadyr Koohoo catching the kick-off, Mayemi made their way cautiously up the southern sideline. The team’s catchers sprinted into scoring position as Mayemi's linemen and blitzers established a solid screen of blockers to protect the ball carrier.

Undaunted, Middneheim blitzers Aniyah Mensa and Raymond Wilrow broke through the screen and threatened to bring Koohoo down as he entered Mauler territory. But Brewyr and blitzer Rahor Mossheart were able to push Wilrow back and take Mensa to the ground with a pair spinning roundhouse kicks. As Eichinbyrg blitzed up field to take out the human lineman marking Achyrn at the 3-yard line, Koohoo followed. So it was, as Eichinbyrg took the lineman out with a forearm shiver to the back of the neck, Koohoo handed the ball to Achyrn who raced away for the touchdown, giving Mayemi a commanding 2-0 lead.

“As I saw Koohoo coming behind Eichinbyrg like that, their teamwork reminded me of those great elven chariot racers of yore with one drafting the other to then come out victorious,” said Achyrn after the game. “They had a wonderful phrase for it, they called it ‘shahyk ynd bhahyk’. In the common tongue, it translates loosely to something like ‘jostle and cook’ or ‘stir and fry.’ But I think you’ll agree it sounds much better in elven.”

Down two touchdowns, the Maulers grew increasingly desperate on the ensuing drive, and Luca Silver fumbled a pass attempt to catcher Ayden Dasbeck in an ambitious attempt for a quick score. The Nereid-fins quickly took advantage of the miscue, as elven thrower Tya Tyngafarthrowyr grabbed the loose ball and threw it up field to Achyrn for the third score of the game.

“That was not running up the score,” said a defensive Tyngafarthrowyr after the match. “I was merely trying to help that human fellow better understand the proper passing technique. ‘You see,’ I told him, ‘it’s all in the wrist’.”

The Maulers appeared to get the message loud and clear. On the ensuing kick off, with just seconds left and the game out of reach, blitzer Ellie Pefergg blitzed forward and knocked line-elf Zarak Zealor into a oblivion with a right cross to the jaw. As Tyngafarthrowyr looked down in horror at his teammate’s bludgeoned face, Pefergg was heard to say to the thrower, “All in the wrist you say? Kind of like that, mate?”


Ellie Pefergg repays Tyngafarthrowyr’s passing advice with some punching advice. Moments later, Mayemi catcher Odyl Bekym put that advice to work, using Pefergg’s technique to knock her out of the game

As the season comes to a close, the Nereid-fins end their first go-around in the Bonehead League with a disappointing 1-3-3 record, missing the playoffs but perhaps offering some promise for the future. In the meantime, as other squads prepare for the post-season, the Herald staff has gathered to bestow its end-of-season awards to the top performers throughout the Nereid-fins’ Warpstone Division. Though attention is paid to the awardee’s full season performance, special consideration is given to their achievements against Mayemi, which were witnessed firsthand by our scribes.


The All-Warpstone Awards


The More Blood More Better Award, which goes to the most violent player, is hereby bestowed uponLady Macbeth of the Stratford Ratbags. Lady Macbeth scratched, clawed, and bit her way to 9 casualties across 7 games, including 2 casualties against Mayemi in a dominant 3-0 win. For her unparalleled aggression, her pure animal savagery, and her ability to mistake Tyngafarthrowyr’s leg for a toothpick, the Herald salutes her.


The I Wish My Ears Were Pointy Award, which goes to the player who had the greatest offensive highlight, performing with elf-like grace and agility in a game vs. Mayemi, is hereby bestowed upon Thrundin Gemstar of the Barak Varr BrewKings. Surrounded by three elves, Gemstar deftly caught the ball as only an elven catcher might, and then blitzed through a nearby elf as only a dwarf might to score the winning touchdown vs. Mayemi and help vault his team into the playoffs. For his grit, his determination, and his clear desire to be an elf, the Herald salutes him.



The Tallest Halfling Award, which goes to the star player who contributed the most to his team, the league, and to the hopes of stunties everywhere, is hereby bestowed upon Griff Oberwald of the Shire Sherrifs. Six successful blocks, 42 yards rushing, 2 TDs, and 2 casualties in a single game—need we say more? For his punishing blocking, his brilliant dodging, and his gloriously jutting jawline, the Herald salutes him.


The Dirty Boot Award, which goes to the player who demonstrated excellence on the field through fouling, goes to Chase Dimth of the Blightring Bog Beasts. Dimth delivered a stomp with his sharpened cleats to the throat of Mayemi catcher Taryk Hyll as he lay defenseless on the field. For his dastardly cruelty, his ability to giggle while a defenseless player bleeds out, and for finally ending Hyll's bragging about being the fastest player in the realm, the Herald salutes him.


The Who Needs to Walk Anyway Award, which goes to the player who has displayed the most courage, soldiering on despite injuries or other setbacks on and off the field, is hereby bestowed upon Ellie Pefergg of the Middneheim Maulers. "Killed" on a last-second throat-punch by Mayemi Catcher Odyl Bekym, Pefergg was resuscitated by her team’s apothecary, who was forced to use several ligaments from her knee to keep her head attached to her body. As a result, the blitzer, who leads her team in casualties, has lost significant agility, with some apos saying she may never dodge again. Yet she has already committed to playing on next season, saying, "I never did dodge or any of the catching. Gives me an excuse to punch more Elves in the face when I catch them, I'm practicing my tackling all off season. If I get my hands on them, they're the ones ending up at the Apo!" For her grit, her determination, and her absolute lack of concern for the wellbeing of her own body, the Herald salutes her.


The Me Think Me Know How to Play Award, which goes to the player who did the most while overcoming neurological defects or anger-management challenges, is hereby bestowed upon Hangover of the Monday Mournings. Withstanding the blast of a fireball, Hangover resisted his troll impulses and managed to guard the loose ball for most of the second half of the game, without once resorting to picking his nose or any of the dandelions on the field. For his astute understanding of the game, for his commitment to following his coach's orders, and for only soiling himself once during the match, the Herald salutes him.


The Khorne, It’s Got the Juice Award, which goes to the player who suffered the most bloody injury, is hereby bestowed upon Sabrina Morningstar of the Dark Harbour Harriers. When Morningstar found herself a little too close to the sideline in her match against Mayemi, star player Akhorne the Squirrel, took advantage. The furry little terror leapt onto he face, where he sunk his teeth into her nose and raked his claws repeatedly over her eyes, unleashing a shower of blood. Morningstar then stumbled blindly out of bounds where several Mayemi fans stomped on her throat, providing further blood for the Blood God. For her generous contribution of her bodily humors, her willingness to let a feral rodent user her face as a scratching post, and her ability to make fans feel they are truly a part of the game, the Herald salutes her.

As the Herald closes the book on the season, we feel it is only fitting to endorse and root for both teams from the glorious Warpstone division who have made the playoffs. Here’s to the Stratford Ratbags and Barak Varr BrewKings. Good luck, rats, and good luck, dw…

Editor’s Note: As the scribe was finishing this article, he became violently ill upon the page for reasons that remain unclear and was unable to complete his work. Unfortunately, we have no idea what he meant to write in the final sentence above.