Twas der nite before Christmas, wen all froo der kave
Not a creature woz stirrin, not even Big Dave.
Der sokkz were ung by der chimney wiv kare,
In hopez dat Santa soon wud be dere.

Der ladz were nestled all snug in dere bedz,
While dreems of nude ladies danced in dere eads.
An Nige in er basket, and I in me pants,
Ad jus settled our brainz fer a long winterz trance.

Wen out on me lawn dere arose such a clatta,
I sprang frum me bed ter see wot was der matta.
Away to der window I flew like a flash,
In case it woz burglers afta me kash.

Der moon on der breast of der new-fallen snow
Gave der lustre of mid-day to objects below.
Wen, wot to me wonderin eyes shud appear,
But a likkle slay, an eight tinny reindeer.

Wiv a likkle old driva, oo woz such a hunk,
I new in a moment it must be a drunk.
Moar rapid den eagles his coursers dey kame,
An ee whistled, an shouted, an kalled dem by name!

"Now Dasher! now, Dancer! now, Prancer and Vixen!
On, Comet! On, Cupid! on, on Donner and Blitzen!
To der top of der porch! to der top of der wall!
Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all!"

An den, in a twinklin, I eard on der roof
Der prancin an pawin of each likkle hoof.
As I drew out me nife, an wos turnin around,
Down der chimney der intruda kame wiv a bound.

Ee was dressed all in fur, possibly mink,
An I new eed bin drinkin cos boy did ee stink.
A mysterius sakk ee ad flung on is bak,
An ee looked like a hobo, just openin is pakk.

Is eyes-ow dey twinkled! is dimples ow merry!
Is cheeks were like roses, koz eed ad so much sherry!
Is droll likkle mouff made im look like a dikk,
An der beard of is chin was all kovvered in sikk.

Der stump of a pipe fell onter iz sakk,
An der smoke it gave off let me no it woz krakk.
Ee ad a broad face an a likkle round belly,
Dat shook wen ee lauffed, like a bowlful of jelly!

Ee wos chubby an plump, a right fat git,
Ee woz all red an shiney, just like a zit!
A wink of me eye an a twist of is head,
An lo an behold dat barsturd wos ded.

I went frew iz wallet an den frew iz sakk,
An kept all dere gud stuff an put der rest bakk.
I chopped up iz body, wich let out sum farts,
An gave it ter Doctor Eadcase fer parts.

I flogged off is slay, an ate iz reindeer,
Oose meet is quite nice at dis time o year.
As Honest John drove away, whilst he wos still in site
"Merry Christmas to all" ee sed, "and to all a good-night!"